Control
by Sapphire Smoke
Summary: "Sometimes, when someone has more power than they know what to do with, they feel the need to rid themselves of it completely," Regina had explained as she gently placed her hand atop Emma's arm. "Things are simpler when you don't have to make your own decisions. It doesn't make you weak or even strange, Emma; it just makes you human." •Emma/Regina•


**Title:** Control  
 **Author:** Sapphire Smoke  
 **Beta:** BellaRei713  
 **Fandom:** Once Upon A Time  
 **Rating:** M  
 **Pairing:** Emma/Regina  
 **Timeline:** Early 5A. This fic is _slightly_ AU in regards to details about the Dark One curse, but generally sticks to the overall canon plot up until right after Hook sacrifices himself.  
 **Summary:** "Sometimes, when someone has more power than they know what to do with, they feel the need to rid themselves of it completely," Regina had explained as she gently placed her hand atop Emma's arm; encouraging her to stay with her, to not run from this like she was trying to before. "Things are simpler when you don't have to make your own decisions. It doesn't make you weak or even strange, Emma; it just makes you human."  
 **A/N:** First of all, I'd like to request no one yell at me over TotH. I still don't know what's going on with that and I really would not like to start getting reviews again that solely complain about how I'm giving you guys one thing but not another. Those reviews are pretty much my least favorite ever, so. Lol. So if you're unhappy I'm not writing the Swan Queen you want, I apologize, but I'm not forcing you to read it. That being said, I actually started this fic back in December of 2015, but because OUAT has become such a huge, unappealing clusterfuck as of late, I never finished it. However, I think with the exit of JMo and along with her the shell of the character I once loved, I've been able to kind of 'move on' in a way and remember why I loved this pairing so much. And even though the Dark Swan storyline turned out to be a _massive_ disappointment, I never really got over my lady boner of Regina being the only one to have control over the Dark One and so… here we are, lmao. Also fair warning that there are heavy mentions of CS and OQ as one of this fic's major themes is cheater's guilt, so if you're one of those people who like to pretend that the canon relationships that they had in this point in the series don't exist, then this fic isn't for you.

* * *

 _Masochist._

The word ripped through the mind of the one person who didn't want to acknowledge its reality, ignoring the truth in favor of finding an anchor amidst the chaos. Her world had become blinding and disorienting; a kind of madness that Emma hadn't yet found a name for, and so there she stood amongst broken promises and inevitable regret, telling herself that this wasn't the mistake that she had promised herself she wouldn't make again.

"How does it feel?" a voice asked, causing the woman in the perch of her bay window to noticeably start at the unexpected sound. The question was soft, curious. Honest, despite the manipulative nature of its owner. "Reaching for something that isn't there."

 _You swore—_

No, this was different. It needed to be, Emma resolved. The woman before her bore more than one purpose, after all, and only one of them brought pain. But she needed the peace, she needed—

"Are you incapable of ringing the doorbell?" Regina responded tersely, shooting the blonde a look of utter irritation for having startled her. Emma watched the lines etch into her expression, but they weren't as deep or as pronounced as they had been in years past. Still, it was evident her entrance had frazzled the other woman a bit, and as Regina was not one to appear anything than utterly put together at all times, that did not sit well with her.

And so the brunette shifted, straightening her spine. Though Regina still sat, her demeanor made Emma feel as though the other woman were looking down at her. A practice perfected as Queen, no doubt. Old habits.

"I didn't want to wake…" Emma glanced briefly at the stairwell before pointedly finishing with, "anyone." Though her expression remained impassive, the inside of her burned. Twisted. Ached.

 _This was a mistake._

Of course it was. And yet even still, Emma couldn't help but wonder if the same storm raged inside of Regina. Could emotion linger without its tether to a memory; or with nothing to anchor it, did it just fade away?

Regina's expression gave away nothing however. "I thought you were aware Henry was with your parents tonight." Her brow crinkled slightly as she spoke, as though she expected Emma to know the whereabouts of their son at all times.

And she wouldn't be wrong about that. Being the Dark One put a target not only on Emma's back, but Henry's by extension; so of course she knew exactly where he was at all times. She was careful.

She was a mother.

"I wasn't talking about him."

Regina's furrowed brow loosened, then rose. "Robin doesn't live here, dear."

Could have fooled her.

"And yet him and his son have slept here for at least five nights this past week," Emma responded, causing Regina's brow to rise even higher. Although Emma was careful to keep a neutral tone, her own words carved a picture of betrayal into her gut. The only problem was, it wasn't just the betrayal that she felt, but the one she had caused. "You can see where that could be misleading."

"It's getting cold," Regina defended, although seemed a little perplexed at why she had to do so. "And the weather here isn't how it was in the Enchanted—" But Regina cut herself off, realizing she didn't have to explain herself to her. "And _why,_ pray tell, are you even aware of how often Robin spends the night here? I don't remember divulging that information to you."

She shot her a suspicious look, but as most everyone looked at Emma in that way now, the blonde barely even registered it. Instead, she ran a solitary finger over the back of one of Regina's chairs as she crossed the room. Not towards her, specifically, just… inward. Forcing an invitation, yet allowing a certain amount of space. Emma didn't really trust herself that close to her anyhow, as she knew she should have never come here in the first place.

Old habits however, seemed to die _very_ hard.

"I don't sleep," she told her, in way of an explanation. Regina however did not look amused, nor satisfied by that answer.

"And so you decided to, what? Catalogue the details of my life instead?" Regina countered, obviously not entirely comfortable with how much information Emma had. "Are you writing a biography about me that I don't know about, or have we taken to stalking, dear? Either way, I suggest another hobby."

Emma side-eyed her, shooting the other a woman a look like she must be joking. "I walk," she told her simply. "I observe. I notice. Not just things about you, but the world. I see too much, Regina; the entirety, instead of the individual. Focusing on the details of my surroundings grounds me to reality. I can see what's standing in front of me, instead of what came before and what will come after. It's calming."

Regina's eyes widened. "…You have foresight?" She was astonished, curious; perhaps even a little impressed. Emma enjoyed the way she looked at her; it was exactly as she had the first time she found that out, before Regina had lost her memories, and it made her remember all the other looks thereafter. That was dangerous territory though, and so with great effort Emma forced the memory from her mind.

The blonde quirked an eyebrow. "You were aware Gold had the power, and yet you sound surprised." She knew why, as they had had this conversation before, but part of Emma couldn't help but recreate it. It gave her an odd satisfaction; perhaps even a small sense of comfort.

"Because it isn't a Dark One's power," Regina explained. "Rumple stole that from a Seer, or so I had heard."

"It was given to him willingly," Emma corrected, for she had seen that moment in his life before. "Regardless, the Darkness takes in that which makes it stronger. Any power learned is passed on to the next in line. It has always been that way."

"Unfortunately," Emma continued, walking a half circle around the chair, wondering if she should sit; register some permanence, or if it would be unwelcome. In the end though, she decided to continue standing. Permanence was probably more dangerous on her end anyhow. "It is jumbled; incoherent. This power was not meant for those who were not born to it. Rumple had years to learn to suppress it, to pick out the bits that matter and perhaps find the logic in the puzzle, but I have yet to. Until that happens, all I can do is try to focus on the present, and notice the parts instead of the whole."

Regina's eyes narrowed, as though she was uncertain if she should take anything that Emma said at face value. Dark Ones were manipulative at their core, but that didn't mean that they were dishonest. Emma might not be entirely forthcoming, but she did not lie. Instead, she just ripped away the truth she could not bear for them all to see. It just seemed… easier, in the long run. She needed to find a way to fix her mistake, and for that she needed time. Nothing about this arrangement was permanent, but she understood their mistrust of her due to her actions. In the end though, Emma was certain the ends would justify the means. They had to.

"Why are you here?" Regina asked instead, getting straight to the point. Apparently she did not prefer social calls in the middle of the night. At least, not anymore.

"I saw you. In the window," Emma clarified, despite knowing she probably didn't need to. "You looked… lost." It was a feeling Emma could relate to, and it called out to her. And so despite Regina's lack of answers in her own life, Emma could not help herself from going to the one place where she used to get her own.

Regina didn't remember though. None of them did. Therefore, this urge was a dangerous one, and yet it was not something Emma could ignore. She missed the way it was, regardless of the emotional repercussions their actions had on them both thereafter.

Regina however, looked almost amused by the observation. "Out of the two of us, Emma, I don't think it's me who's lost their way." Emma stayed pointedly silent at that, and Regina's eyes searched hers for a moment before she finally rose from the perch, crossing the distance between them.

Suddenly, there was an incoherent flash of what seemed to be like Regina shouting at her, but Emma forced herself to focus on the Regina here and now (straighten your back, stay still, _breathe_ ), unable to discern if the memory was from the past or future anyway; as, after all, she couldn't make out the words of what Regina had been saying to her. In the end though, they were probably unimportant; Regina shouting at her wasn't anything _new_ after all. There were just too many memories here and their intensity was suffocating; it was why she had chosen to take up residence in a new home.

She didn't choke on other people's timelines, other people's _memories_ as much as she did her own. Although perhaps that was only because the closer you are to something, the clearer it becomes. Regardless, it was the one thing about being the Dark One that Emma would rather do without.

"You knew I was trying to remember," Regina continued, and Emma focused on her voice to ground herself. Regina's tone wasn't an accusation though, rather an observation. "Yet you asked what it felt like to never reach an answer. Normally I would assume your arrogance truly knows no bounds and you were merely here to gloat, but your tone indicated differently and I have to admit, I'm curious."

"So tell me, Dark One," Regina concluded, robbing Emma of a wide berth as she got much too close for comfort; or, perhaps, allotting far too little space for anything but when it came to the two of them together. There was a warmth, and Emma wondered if it was only she who felt it anymore. "You have all of your memories, so what is it that _you're_ trying to reach for?"

Regina had always been able to read her far too well.

Emma's eyes met hers, and she exhaled a breath she hadn't realized she had been holding. "Myself." The honesty in her answer seemed to surprise Regina, and her brow rose. Emma wasn't finished however. "You all believe that the Darkness won, and that I've succumbed to its pull. And maybe you're right, but that doesn't mean that I ceased existing and became nothing more than a vessel for its power. I am still myself, Regina, I'm just… dimmer. And sometimes that's what I need to be, but there are times when I wished I… _felt_ more than I do. It's impractical, but it's human."

Feeling, after all, allowed her to actually care about the repercussions of her actions, and stopped her from doing anything rash; and right now, with what she needed to accomplish, Emma needed that tether to her humanity more than anything else. This was too important to screw up.

"You're not human," Regina responded softly, almost apologetically. "Not anymore."

"I don't believe that. And what's more, neither do you."

"Oh?" Regina responded disbelievingly. "And how are you so certain as to what I do or do not believe? You forget, dear, I've dealt with Dark Ones far longer than you. Your humanity isn't exactly a thriving factor."

"I'm certain because it was you who reminded me that I was," Emma answered, her words causing Regina's mouth to close. Her lips formed into a tight line, no doubt wondering whether or not to believe her. After all, without her memories, she would have to take her word on the matter. "After we…" But Emma didn't speak on that, and instead continued on with, "You explained to me that I needed to find a balance; that when I found myself getting lost in my power, then I needed to allow it to be stripped from me. I argued that your solution was nothing more than the opposite end of the spectrum, but you assured me that to meet in the middle I would have to remember what the other side felt like first. And considering that it worked just as you said it would, you were right."

"I usually am," Regina deadpanned, her expression a mixture of mistrust and confusion as conversations she could not remember were dictated back to her. No doubt wondering, at the end of the day, what the point to all of this was. "But I still fail to see why you asked me what it felt like, and why this warranted a house call at one in the morning. It seems to me as if you already know."

 _Because I wanted to know if my humanity was still accessible or not._

But Emma didn't say that. In the end, perhaps she was too afraid of the answer. To her, it felt as though she were desperately grasping for something she could no longer touch, her fingertips meeting nothing but air and leaving her feeling rather hollow. She feared that meant it no longer existed, but it sounded like such a ridiculous notion now that she stood in front of Regina. Regina, who twisted emotion inside of Emma every time their eyes met. It was no more than a dull ache when Emma knew something like this should probably be tattering her insides, but it was enough proof for her that it still existed.

She just had to ask what it felt like, as Regina's memories still existed in very much the same way. They were just locked up somewhere else in her mind, inaccessible for the moment. But they did not disappear completely; although, perhaps nothing really did in people. Regardless, Emma had wanted to know if it still felt as though Regina had been completely robbed of them when in fact they were still in arm's reach, but as Emma looked at the other woman she realized that this conversation was pointless.

She already had her answer.

Besides, if she were being honest with herself… "That wasn't why I came here." The words falling from Emma's lips made her momentarily go rigid, as she didn't actually mean to say that out loud.

She couldn't help it though. There was a part of her that ached to just take what she wanted, consequences be damned. After all, that was what she had done back in the Enchanted Forest. The problem with being the Dark One was the lack of impulse control; the lack of generally giving a damn about the end result so long as you get what it is you wanted. In the end, the fallout was irrelevant in wake of the prize that was sought.

Ironically though, it had been Regina who had taught her to control those urges; who reminded her to think and to _care._ And while she was still trying, the longer she stayed away from Regina, the more her humanity seemed to dim. At first their entire arrangement had just been about controlling her, about keeping her on a short leash by basically conditioning her to obey Regina as sort of a failsafe, but things… changed. It was so much more complicated than that, and now Emma didn't much know what to do with herself without it.

She felt like she was slipping.

Regina however, didn't seem to notice the internal war that waged inside of the other woman. "I assumed as much." She paused then, waiting for an explanation, but it never came. Regina's brow rose. "Are you planning to tell me the real reason, or am I to guess?"

"I don't think you'd believe me if I told you," Emma finally offered. "Or it'd make you angry." After all, there wasn't a great way to tell someone that they had been cheating on the man they loved for the better part of five weeks. The guilt that went along with it was also not something that anyone wanted to experience, and giving it back to Regina when she had been free of it seemed unnecessarily cruel. Still, there was the awful part inside of Emma that hated that she had to bear this burden alone, as the fault didn't entirely rest with her.

"So you, what? Came here to inform me that you cannot actually tell me _why_ you are here because you fear it'll make me angry?" Regina responded, looking at the other woman like she had to be kidding her with this. "It's one in the morning, Emma. I do not wish to be kept awake all night as I attempt to guess what the hell was important enough that you felt you had to come over here at this hour, so please just do us both a favor and tell me."

It was tempting; Emma wouldn't deny that. Even if she was sure that it wouldn't be taken well, a part of her needed Regina to know; to understand what it was that she had robbed herself of, and why exactly she needed it back. When she had cast the curse, she hadn't thought about this part, and now she regretted it deeply.

"Emma." Regina's voice was softer, more understanding as her eyes searched the blonde's. It made the pit of Emma's stomach burn. "If you need help, then just say so. There is nothing you can't come back from."

"You're wrong."

Because they each threw away what was supposed to be their 'happy ending' for something that didn't… it didn't even make _sense._ It was messy and it was intoxicating and it was therapeutic and so, so desperately _needed_. How do you come back from that? How can they look their respective lovers in the eyes and pretend that a part of them didn't belong to someone else?

"Emma," Regina pleaded softly, placing an encouraging hand on her arm. "Tell me."

Her control on her impulses were waning. "You'll regret asking me to if I do."

"I'll be the judge of that."

 _Fine._

And so Emma stopped thinking; stopped trying to do the right thing and allow Regina to have the bliss that ignorance allotted her to have. She had asked for this, after all.

Her hands grasped Regina's face as her lips covered hers, the kiss so bruising and forceful that it startled Regina into taking a couple steps backwards until she hit one of the large armchairs in her parlor. The feet of the chair scraped uncomfortably against the wooden floor, the sound covering up the gasp of surprise that was breathed into the blonde's mouth. The kiss however, was not returned. Instead Regina pulled her face away from hers, looking shocked beyond all measure as she exclaimed, " _Emma!"_ while her hands held the other woman by her shoulders, keeping her at bay. "What the hell do you think you're doing?!"

"Telling you," Emma breathed out, the words heavy as she looked down at the other woman. Was that not clear enough for her?

"Telling involves speaking _words,_ not—" Regina looked at her like she wasn't even certain of who was standing in front of her anymore, and all Emma could think was how this was not how this went the last time she had tried this.

Then again, they had been arguing at the time; Emma was having a hard time controlling her impulses as the Darkness took hold of her, and Regina was lecturing her… droning on and _on_ about how she couldn't just go around doing whatever she wanted just because it felt good; that she had gone down that road, and it never led to anywhere good. It grinded on Emma's nerves, and so in an attempt to not only get what she wanted, but to fuck with the woman who was her current irritant, she asked if she could do what she wanted if she was certain that it _would_ lead to somewhere good.

Regina hadn't even been able to formulate a response before Emma had kissed her.

And oh, that _infuriated_ the former queen, and it only got worse when Emma bluntly told her that she saw the way Regina had always looked at her, because she _had._ Only before, Emma would have never voiced such a thing out loud; they both had their respective Happy Endings, and throwing them away just to get a taste of each other was probably incredibly foolish. So she kept silent; ignored it and pretended it didn't exist, because wandering eyes in relationships were commonplace anyhow. In the end, it was only acting on such a thing that mattered.

"You want me, Regina," Emma had accused, licking her lips suggestively and finding exhilaration in the way Regina's eyes instinctively followed her tongue despite trying to remain infuriated with her. "You always have."

And Emma wasn't certain whether it was her words, or the fact that she tried to kiss her again after being rejected the first time that had done it, but suddenly there was a hand wrapped around her throat. The way Regina looked at her then had made Emma _weak,_ finding something so incredibly sexy about being put in her place. She was the Dark One; by all rational reasoning her place should have been _above_ everyone else, but Regina apparently did not subscribe to the same theory. In fact, she threw it right out of the window.

 _Nobody_ told the Queen what to do; what she thought nor what she wanted.

"Don't ever presume that you have the upper hand here, Miss Swan," Regina had practically growled, her eyes growing black as she forced Emma to take three whole steps backwards into the wall of the tower. "You're playing children's games. I mastered the art of mind games long before you were even a twinkle in your father's eye, and you honestly thought bluntly bumbling your way through that would get you anywhere? I'll admit that you had a great card to play, but you just wasted it, dear. What exactly was your endgame, here? Do you even know?"

"My endgame was to fuck you, Regina," Emma had responded bluntly, her words a little strained due to the pressure on her throat. She grinned then, knowing she was going to irritate the other woman further as she finished, "And hopefully get you to shut up and stop lecturing me in the process."

Regina had outright rolled her eyes at that answer, and the fact that Emma couldn't seem to unhinge the other woman only spurred her on more. She didn't quite understand the urge at the time, but something inside of her had been begging for Regina to beat her down, to force compliance in her in any way that she could and to just… _fix it._ Perhaps it was her humanity that was being stifled into nonexistence; desperate for the Darkness to just be reined in so she wouldn't lose herself entirely, but at the time Emma just believed she got some sick, kinky pleasure out of it. Maybe it was a little of both.

"You are a _child,_ " Regina practically spat, looking at Emma like she was nothing but an irate toddler that she needed to put into time out. "You cannot go around acting like this; you aren't _thinking,_ and believe me when I tell you that that will be the thing that destroys you once we finally find a way to separate the Darkness from you. I'm not going to allow you to do something you'll later regret, so I demand that you _stop this_ this instant; I won't tell you a second time."

"Oh, you won't _allow_ me to do this; that's what you're going with now?" Emma had laughed out loud at that; either to goad her or because she honestly didn't believe her, she could not remember now. "You forget, there's only one way to control me, and you and I both know you won't force me to do anything with that. It's crossing a line that you know everyone will rip you to shreds for if they find out. Taking away my autonomy is like another form of rape, Regina."

"There's more than one way to control a person, dear," Regina had reminded her, sounding so confident in herself that Emma had noticeably faltered at that. "I spent _years_ breaking those around me into utter compliance, and you think someone who's practically begging me for it right now would be any kind of challenge? That's almost hilarious."

" _Begging?_ " Emma had retorted, completely affronted by the insinuation. But she didn't get out much more than that before she was cut off by Regina seeking to prove her theory.

"Kneel."

She said it like she didn't expect anything other than for her wishes to be complied, and Emma remembered briefly wondering if this was how Regina looked as Queen. Her entire demeanor had changed, like she knew she was on the top of the food chain and sought to make others shrink in the presence of her greatness. It almost worked too.

"You're fucked if you think I'm just going to—" Emma had tried, but she didn't get any further than that.

Regina's voice was dangerous and low; commanding a respect that Emma suddenly felt compelled to give her. "I said, _kneel._ " And with a wave of the hand that was previously on her throat, Emma had felt this incredible force on the back of her knees until she was forced to the floor and held there by invisible binds.

"That's _cheating._ "

Because it was, wasn't it? Using magic was just like using the dagger; forcing her to do whatever she wanted. But Regina seemed to disagree. "No, it isn't," she had told her calmly, looking down at the woman beneath her like she wasn't even worthy enough to stand at eyelevel with her anymore, and Emma found there was some really fucked up part inside of her that actually got off on that. And even more messed up than that, was that something about this almost _calmed_ her in a way; like it released a burden she hadn't realized she had been carrying. "You are now _vastly_ more powerful than I am, dear. If you wanted to get out of this, you could. _Easily._ "

And she had been right. Emma had wanted to fight her on this, but she hadn't wanted to _stop_ her. So as she stayed silent, defiantly refusing to acknowledge out loud that Regina was absolutely correct about what it was that she wanted from her, a triumphant smile etched itself across the brunette's expression. Whatever this was, whatever they were doing right then, it was obvious that she enjoyed it. Emma remembered wondering if Regina was even aware at that point just how much she was giving away in her expression, or if she thought she was just playing a role that she knew Emma needed right now.

"Apologize to me," Regina demanded of her then. " _Now._ "

Emma had stayed silent, but it wasn't for long. In the end, there was something in Regina's expression that screamed an ownership that Emma desperately needed, because the brunette was right; she _was_ out of control. She needed a leash, and maybe Regina was the only one experienced enough to handle it.

"…I'm sorry." The words were soft, spoken more to the floor than at the woman who had demanded they be voiced.

Suddenly, the pressure that bound her had disappeared and Regina paused, no doubt wondering if Emma would take the opportunity to rise from her place on the floor. She didn't though; choosing instead to stay exactly as she was, because she didn't want to deny that, despite how humiliating it was to need someone to control you as you are failing to control yourself, that this was what she needed right then. Regina seemed to understand and the corners of her lips turned up into a soft, sympathetic smile as she reached down and tenderly stroked her cheek.

"Good girl," Regina had praised her in a voice much less domineering than it had been before, and Emma's lashes hit her cheeks as an entirely different kind of warmth ran through her veins. "You may stand now."

Emma swallowed, not really knowing what she was doing, or what this even _was._ Still, she obliged Regina without question and rose to her feet, not making eye contact with her until Regina gently placed a finger beneath her chin and told her softly, "Look at me." Emma's eyes met hers, but Regina did not drop her hand as she spoke. "Don't ever do that to me again, do you understand me? I'll do this if you need it of me, as perhaps it would be smart to have a failsafe where the Dark One is concerned anyhow, but it cannot become anything sexual. We both belong to someone else."

Yes, they did. But the problem was that, eventually, both she and Emma also regarded the blonde as belonging to Regina. They shared something that neither of them could ever get from their respective lovers, and as it was something Emma so often needed as she attempted to battle the Darkness inside of her, she came to Regina fairly often for lessons in obedience training.

Until one day they couldn't bear the feelings that participating in something like this evoked, and they crossed a line.

Emma looked at Regina now, the Regina who looked nothing like she did the first time she had been unexpectedly kissed – shocked, yes, but not _angry_ – and desperately wished she knew how to control circumstance so that the other woman would blur the lines between them again. While Regina's training had ultimately worked, and the woman standing in her parlor wasn't a mess of impulses and rash decisions anymore, that didn't mean that she could do without what it was that Regina used to give her, because without her she feared she would end up back to the place she had first begun.

Emma had this huge weight resting on her shoulders as she tried to fix that which she had broken due to a bad decision spurred on by self-hatred and guilt, and she was desperate to be relieved of it, if only for a moment; desperate to be reminded of her own humanity as she continuously crossed line after line in her pursuit of a solution and all she needed right then, above all else, was for Regina to calm the raging storm inside of her; to make everything make sense again and to assure her that despite her being the Dark One, that she was doing the right thing.

"Regina, please," Emma begged in a voice that was much too calm, given the situation. Regina had taught her that the first thing to do when controlling her emotions, her impulses, was not to outwardly show how much they were dominating her every thought, and apparently old habits died hard. Emma knew that if perhaps she gave in and truly _begged,_ truly showed Regina how desperate she was for this, that it would make more of an impact, but she just couldn't bring herself to. That wasn't who she was anymore.

"Please, _what?_ " Regina demanded, still looking at her like she couldn't fathom what on earth was happening right now. "I don't know what kind of _game_ you think you're playing here, but I will not—"

"It's not a game," Emma tried to assure her, despite knowing she was doing a terrible job at explaining the truth to her. Perhaps, in the end, there was no recreating what had happened between them; it was just a spur of a moment thing that ended up overtaking their lives for the better part of five weeks. Maybe she was foolish in thinking she could convince Regina to go back to an arrangement she didn't even remember participating in in the first place, especially considering how much of a betrayal it would be to Robin. And yet even still, she tried. She had to.

"Regina, when we were in the Enchanted Forest you… controlled me," Emma told her, still being overly careful with her wording. She didn't want to dump all of this on her at once and overwhelm her; Regina would certainly run from her then. "I need that again. I know it sounds strange, but it was calming in a way nothing else has been since I was reborn. You may not understand why, Regina, and for that I apologize as I know it is my own fault, but I cannot afford to be consumed by the chaos that the Darkness thrives on; now more than ever. It destroys rational thought, and that is dangerous."

Regina looked at her like she had to be joking with this little charade, and an angry sneer curled her lip upwards; she no doubt still believed she was being played, regardless of the sincerity in Emma's warning. "Well in case you've forgotten, _dear,_ you took the dagger from me when we—"

"No," Emma interrupted, not wanting her to get the wrong idea. "I did not mean with the dagger." Regina's brow crinkled then, not understanding at all what she was implying for at least a solid thirty seconds. But then she seemed to remember the kiss that Emma had tried to force on her, and suddenly her eyebrows got lost in her hairline as she exhaled this disbelieving laugh.

"Are you honestly trying to convince me right now that we… what, took time out of our busy schedule of trying to save you from the Darkness in order to play kinky BDSM games?" Regina practically snapped, growing more furious with her the longer the insinuations went on. "Do you honestly believe me that stupid? I may not be able to speak for you, but I know myself, and I would _never_ do that; moreover, I would never do something like that to Robin. I am _not_ that kind of person."

"You are," Emma told her bluntly, but at least had the sense to sound apologetic about it. "We _did._ Regina, it was… complicated, and not at all intentional. It was only supposed to be mental, not sexual, but things… _changed,_ and we—"

"No," Regina interrupted firmly, her eyes alight with anger and denial as she furiously pushed the other woman away from her before pointing at her. "Don't you dare stand there and feed me this kind of crackpot story that we both know isn't true; I don't know what you seek to gain by trying to mess with my head, but I will _not_ stand for it."

Emma's lips pursed into a thin line. As far as getting what she wanted was concerned, this could have gone… better. A part of her knew she shouldn't approach Regina in this way, but she honestly did not want to manipulate her into doing this. She respected Regina too much to do that; she… she _cared_ about her too much to force her down a path that she didn't choose. Well, that she didn't _remember_ choosing, anyhow.

"You told me that you spent years breaking those around you into complete compliance," Emma reminded her, hoping that if she showed Regina that she knew her secrets, that she'd believe her. "And when you did it to me, it was obvious it wasn't your first time. You knew exactly what you were doing, Regina; rewarding my obedience with affection, punishing my—"

But Regina couldn't bear to hear anymore. What Emma had just said seemed to strike a chord in her, and suddenly she looked incredibly fearful of the woman in front of her. No doubt she was trying to find a situation other than the obvious for telling Emma those things about her, but it seemed she was having difficulty finding one.

"Get out," she demanded instead, her voice coming out hoarse and broken. But when Emma didn't move, Regina pointed furiously towards the door and bellowed, "I said, _get out,_ Emma; I won't tell you a third time!"

Suddenly, Emma got a severe sense of déjà vu and, _oh,_ that's what that memory, that flash had been about.

The order was said in a tone that Emma no longer knew how to ignore however, and so she didn't hesitate to disappear in a puff of black smoke, leaving the other woman alone in the parlor with her thoughts, her fears, and her confusion.

[x]

Emma wished she didn't need this; wished that she was able to control _herself_ for once, instead of needing others to do it for her. Perhaps she wasn't as unhinged as she was when the Darkness first corrupted her, but there was still madness to it all that she needed to settle, to calm. Rumple had years, _centuries_ to get to this place where the Darkness was just a natural part of him that he could accept, control, and separate, but Emma has had barely a month and a half. She couldn't do this on her own, and she didn't have _time_ to just wait around until she could.

The longer this went on, the more likely it was that everyone would find out what she had done.

It was the following afternoon and Emma was lying on her back on the couch in her living room, eyes staring straight up at the ceiling before incoherent flashes of events long past reminded her that she had to ground herself and she closed her eyes. _Breathe,_ she coaxed herself, encouraging the air in through her nose and out through her mouth. She knew she didn't have time for this, but without Regina she needed to find some other way to control the Darkness inside of her before she proceeded with her plan.

She needed absolutely everything to go accordingly, otherwise all of this could come crumbling down around her. And if she wasn't thinking clearly, if she was rash and impulsive and desperate, then she would no doubt end up destroying all of this herself, and she could _not_ have that.

This was too important to fuck up.

She should have approached Regina differently. Perhaps respecting her enough to not attempt to manipulate her had been a bad idea; in the end, all it did was drive a wedge further between them. Emma knew this was an unorthodox situation; if someone told her a year ago that something like _that_ would end up being the basis of her relationship with Regina, she would have laughed in their face and called them fucking insane.

But it was. It was strange and at first it was completely humiliating but Emma had eventually made peace with it. She just wished Regina could remember making her own as well.

Hell, _Regina_ was the one to tell her that this, whatever it was that they were doing, was _okay._ She had realized Emma had been avoiding her after the first time, unable to sort her feelings on the matter and a little ashamed that a part of her ached to have her control stripped from her. That wasn't _normal,_ at least not by Emma's standards, but Regina was the one that assured her that there was nothing wrong with needing something like that.

"Sometimes, when someone has more power than they know what to do with, they feel the need to rid themselves of it completely," Regina had explained as she gently placed her hand atop Emma's arm; encouraging her to stay with her, to not run from this like she was trying to before. "Things are simpler when you don't have to make your own decisions. It doesn't make you weak or even strange, Emma; it just makes you human."

"I'm not human though," Emma had muttered, pushing the hair out of her face as she attempted to make sense of this comfort that Regina allotted her; it seemed dangerous in the way that even bluntly propositioning her didn't, but as it was something she needed in that moment, she went with it all the same. "Not anymore."

"Of course you're human," Regina had responded, practically scoffing off her claim of being more so, or perhaps even less so. Emma didn't know anymore. "To feel is _human_ , Emma. You just need to find a balance inside of you; of who you were, and who you are now. And sometimes, to be reminded of the middle, you need to be exposed to the other side of things. I think that's why you crave for someone else to have the control that you can't seem to grasp at the moment."

It made sense, but something about this entire arrangement had still felt very… _wrong_ to Emma at the time. And although, previously, something that felt wrong didn't matter so much so long as it felt _good,_ there was still something even just about Regina's _presence_ in that moment that calmed Emma enough to try to remember to care, to think, to remember that she shouldn't be so selfish. Her voice, perhaps.

Her voice, that now held the same tone as it did when Regina had called her a "good girl." It was care; almost as though she were a beloved pet that Regina now knew was her responsibility. Yet it shouldn't have happened so instantaneous, should it? Giving herself entirely over to Regina should be something gradual and not something instinctual, because what did that say about her then? What did that say about how she felt about her?

"It shouldn't be you though, should it?" Emma had asked after a long while. Her voice was soft, confused. "It shouldn't be you who controls me. It should be Killian." But even as she said it, something inside of Emma knew that she wouldn't be comfortable with that idea. It wasn't as though she didn't love him, but this was… this was different.

Something stirred behind Regina's eyes, but it wasn't an emotion Emma was able to decipher right then. "Do you want to ask Hook to do this for you instead?" It was said so patiently, so understanding of Emma's needs, that in that moment the blonde honestly couldn't fathom anyone else doing this for her besides Regina anyhow.

"No," Emma had responded softly. "No, I gave the dagger to you for a reason, and I asked you to do this for me for the same one. I trust you. I trust you never to let me go too far. Killian… I think that he would let me do anything I wanted just to appease me. I think he equates love with giving someone everything that they ask for, but that's not what I need right now. I need structure. I need—"

"Discipline," Regina had finished for her, her voice equally as quiet as she looked at the woman across form her. Her gaze burned a hole in her that Emma did not understand in that moment, and she nodded. "Well," Regina continued, a small smirk tugging at the corners of her lips in order to break the tension Emma seemed to be feeling in that moment. "As it so happens, I am _very_ well-versed in that subject; motherly or… otherwise."

Emma had exhaled a small laugh after that, feeling a little lighter. "So I noticed. You totally had actual sex slaves at one point, didn't you?"

"Of course not, dear; people can be far more useful outside of just _sex,_ " Regina responded, like Emma was ridiculous for suggesting she had people just to serve a _singular_ purpose. "Only tethering them to one duty would be a waste of resources. The castle did not tend to itself, you know."

Emma laughed again, but the look in Regina's eyes indicated that the seriousness of this conversation wasn't yet over. And so as the sound died out in the back of her throat, Regina caught her gaze and told her truthfully, "Emma, I was not… very kind to people back then. I conditioned them to obey me through fear and pain, and though I might not be as experienced in doing this in a healthy manner, I promise you that I will try." Her fingers gently tucked a stray piece of hair behind Emma's ear then, and the blonde had to suppress a shudder at the ghost of a touch. "So I'm going to need you to decide on a safe word."

"No." Emma's answer was automatic, almost defensive, and Regina's brow rose. "Regina, if you give me back the power then there will be nothing stopping me because I'll know, deep down, that if I really don't want to have to do what I was told, then I wouldn't have to. This isn't… you're not whipping me into submission or anything here; there isn't some kind of pain threshold that you fear you're going to reach. This is mental. I understand you're trying to be good to me by providing me with a safety net, but that's not what I need right now. You have to see that."

Regina had pursed her lips into a thin line, obviously wary about not giving Emma an out should she need it. But in the end, if she needed an out, then that would mean that she was already too far gone, and needed to be put down anyhow. "I'm just afraid I might push you too hard in order to gain your compliance when you're… unhinged. You might be willing to do as I say now, but there will come a time where you'd rather succumb to the Darkness and ignore me. I'll have to rectify that somehow; if not for everyone else's safety, but for you own."

 _Oh._ Emma supposed that made sense as well.

"Just… do what you have to," Emma requested, but when Regina looked ready to protest that, as no doubt she had a _slew_ of colorful ways to punish and control people that she in no way wanted to revisit, Emma interrupted her. "No, Regina… I'm not asking you to hurt me. I'd rather you didn't; or at least that if you did, it was within reason. But I'm dangerous, and we both know that. And if it comes down to me hurting someone else, or _you_ hurting _me,_ then regardless of whether or not I want it, I need you to _do_ it if I've gone too far, and the dagger isn't in reach."

Regina didn't look entirely pleased with that amendment, as she no doubt did not want to revert back into the cruel person she once was, but she understood that the Dark One's powers were too devastating to be left unchecked. At the end of the day, it was only she who could do this for her. Still, that didn't mean it was Regina's first option.

"Fine," she had finally relented, before a flick of her hand encouraged Emma to follow her without being explicitly stated to. "But every spare moment we now have, we are going to spend it working relentlessly on your conditioning so that we _don't_ have to go there, do you understand me? I don't want to have to hurt you, Emma. That's the very last thing I'd ever want to do, so you're going to learn to obey me. Now," she instructed, pointing towards a chair in the corner of the room. " _Sit._ "

And Emma had sat.

It had started with little orders like that. Sit, stand, come here, do this, pick up that… stuff that seemed inconsequential but started to produce a pattern of obedience. Regina had told her that it was essentially the type of conditioning her soldiers in the Enchanted Forest were forced to undergo when she was Queen; and gradually, the orders became more and more demanding until an order for the soldiers to sacrifice themselves for her in battle got an instinctively obedient response.

Emma had looked a little horrified at that, but Regina assured her it was the same thing they did in _this_ world's military, which… honestly didn't make her feel any better, because brainwashing people to die for you seemed a bit fucked up to her, but then she realized that there _she_ was, willingly asking Regina to practically mess with her head, and therefore she probably had no room to judge. And in the end, didn't all of them sign up for that kind of conditioning in the way she had herself?

Still, it was different; Regina wasn't grooming her to use as a human shield, she was merely trying to help her find a balance when her Darkness got a little too out of control, and perhaps keep them all safe in the process. So instead of being rewarded with promotions or medals, or whatever the hell they rewarded people for in the military, she was rewarded with affection. And that was… what had started to make things confusing. Regina was _good,_ and she read the love-starved orphan girl inside of Emma completely _right,_ and she gave her the very thing she craved in order to instill loyalty and obedience.

And it worked; it worked and it gave Emma an actual, real sense of peace and focus during times that she had none, yet it was both the best and worst thing that had ever happened to her because both of them knew, even before anything had really _happened_ with them, that they were doing something wrong.

Emma had been frustrated beyond measure when Regina's tears hadn't worked in their pursuit of freeing Merlin, and after blasting a table in the corner in a wave of magic that she should _not_ be using, Regina had promptly told her to sit down, not to speak, and to just _breathe._ But Emma wasn't complying with her wishes at first, too wrapped up in the power that coursed through her the moment she actually allowed it to be released, and it took Regina forcing her to her knees again with magic before she remembered that this was precisely the reason she had asked the other woman to do this. So she tried to focus on obeying Regina instead of the storm that raged inside of her, and stayed exactly where she was on the floor without moving or speaking.

"Good girl," Regina had breathed once she noticed Emma complying with her demand. She gently weaved her fingers through Emma's hair and the blonde's eyes closed at the feeling, enjoying the warm, prickling sensation that rolled down her spine. Regina sat in the chair Emma was supposed to be sitting in before she was forced to her knees, and continued to gently pet the woman on the floor next to her as she instructed in a soft voice, "Keep your eyes closed. Count your breaths. Do not think of anything but your breathing, Emma. You may not feel it right now, but I assure you, you are stronger than your impulses."

Emma had obliged her, and she was up to sixty-two breaths when the storm that raged inside of her finally stilled, leaving nothing but the feeling of Regina's hand running through her hair and the desire that she never stop. And it was that thought that completely terrified her, so when she suddenly stiffened after being so calm Regina had felt it, and asked, "What is it? What's wrong?"

She had all this concern and _care_ and Emma just wanted to soak it all up and never let it go because when Regina looked at her like that she finally felt _protected,_ and it was a relief she hadn't known she needed until she had it. She was the Savior, protecting everyone else had always been her responsibility, and while she didn't wish to be rid of it, it was still nice to be able to just take a _break_ for once; to be able to just _exist_ without having to be strong, without having to keep her guard up at all times, because someone else had taken that responsibility on for her instead.

It removed such a large weight off of Emma's shoulders that she bowed her head to place it on Regina's lap in a show of gratitude and submission, and Regina's eyebrows rose a little at the gesture. But she allowed it; she might have hesitated for a moment, but then she gently tucked a piece of hair behind Emma's ear before delicately resting her hand against the blonde's cheek, and all Emma knew in that moment was that she wished she would never have to move from this position.

But that had scared her again because _what even was this?_ and at the second feeling of Emma tensing beneath her, Regina gently traced the contour of the blonde's jawline as she softly encouraged, "Emma, talk to me. Tell me what's wrong."

Emma opened her eyes, staring aimlessly at the far wall as Regina continued to stroke her like she was something precious to her, and Emma wished she knew if that was only because she needed to condition her or because she was becoming just as confused as Emma was about this whole ordeal. "Have you told Robin what we're doing?" she asked instead, because it just seemed easier than outright asking.

Regina was silent for a moment, but finally admitted with a quiet, "…No."

"Why?"

"I imagine for the same reasons you haven't told the pirate."

Because, somehow, Regina had already known that Emma hadn't decided to share this part of her life with her lover. Perhaps it was a given however, considering the strange nature of the relationship that they participated in up in this tower. It was likely that no one would truly understand what it was, and why it was needed. Emma's eyes fell closed once more then, as if she were trying to block out how terribly this conversation could go before she had finally admitted, "I feel like I'm cheating on him."

The hand in her hair stilled. "You're not."

"Physically, no—"

"Physically is all that matters," Regina had interrupted quickly, not allowing Emma to voice that she felt as though she were emotionally cheating on him. Saying it out loud made it real, after all. "What we're doing up here isn't anyone's business anyhow; it's not only deeply personal for you, but I know you would be ashamed if anyone knew that you needed someone else to control you. So I don't plan to betray your confidence by telling Robin, no."

"I don't not tell Killian because I'm ashamed," Emma had admitted softly, giving the other woman the truth despite the fact that what Regina had offered her before, Emma believed was a lie; or, at least, not the entire truth of the matter. "I don't tell him because I'm afraid he'll ask me to stop, and I don't want to."

Regina had pursed her lips after that admission, silent for a moment as her hand began to weave through her hair once more. "If he found out, and he did ask you to stop… would you?" she inquired curiously, her voice soft.

Emma didn't know how to answer that. "I need this," she had told her instead. "I don't see him when I'm around you. Rumple, the Darkness— whoever. I think a part of me doesn't because you haven't allowed me to or something… fucked up like that. This whole thing is fucked up but it makes me calm and I need that. I don't feel like I'm losing myself so much when we're like this."

But Regina had known she was avoiding. "Answer the question that I asked you, dear."

It wasn't said in the same tone that Regina usually had when she gave her an order, but Emma reacted the same way regardless, and an answer slipped from her lips before she had time to fully think about it. In the end, that was what probably made it true. "No," she had told her. "I'd continue to do it behind his back."

 _That_ admission had made something in Emma's chest ache, and she shut her eyes tightly and practically buried her head into Regina's lap as the brunette placed a protective hand on the back of her head. "I'm such a shit person, aren't I?"

"No, you aren't," Regina had assured her softly, gently raking her nails along the blonde's scalp in a way that made the blonde noticeably shudder. Yet instead of stopping, Regina continued to run her nails along her scalp and then down to the back of her neck, eliciting goosebumps. "It's not a bad thing to put yourself and your own needs first sometimes. This hasn't been easy for you, and you have a right to try to heal yourself in whatever way works best for you."

Another couple lines were traced on the back of her neck with perfectly manicured nails and Emma shuddered again and gasped out a soft, "Regina," as she turned to lay her cheek back on the woman's thighs. The name sounded almost painful to utter, but it was a warning, yet a plea all the same. Emma didn't know what she wanted; for her to stop or continue, she just knew how it made her feel.

"What?" Regina had asked softly, trying to sound like she didn't know why Emma was acting this way, yet the small tremor in her voice gave her away.

"You're turning me on," Emma told her bluntly, because she didn't know what else to say when she was unsure if she wanted her to be doing that or not. Regina's hand had stilled at that admission, and when the brunette finally took it away, Emma instantly missed the contact. She looked up at her then, meeting Regina's hesitant gaze with one filled with trepidation and longing.

"We missed our chance, Emma," Regina had breathed after what felt like ages of silence. Her brow creased and her lips turned down into a frown as she gently reached out to tenderly touch the blonde's cheek; perhaps the gesture was merely meant as an apology, but it felt like something different. Emma's heart skipped a beat.

A flash; skin against skin and a burning desire that seared a hole in her heart as she reached out to touch an answer that only left her with more questions. It flushed Emma from head to toe and she had to close her eyes to block it out, because she didn't know if it was a fantasy or the future. Nothing about her powers of foresight made any sense to her, and perhaps they never would until she stopped suppressing the gift just because it made her feel disoriented and lost.

"…What if we didn't?"

The words had left her mouth before she could stop them, whatever she had seen leaving her hopeful despite its lack of clarity, and the lines in Regina's expression became more pronounced. "Emma…" she breathed apologetically before telling her firmly, "I said no. That is the end of this discussion."

Emma's face crumpled at those words and it felt like a hole was being ripped into her chest, but it wasn't just from the rejection; it was from the disgust and horror she had with herself for even pushing for something like that when she was in love with Killian. She wanted to blame it on the Darkness but it wasn't, it was _her;_ it was her and it was Regina and Emma wished that for once in her life she could just be happy with what she had instead of wishing for something more. Perhaps she just had the constant desire to self-sabotage though.

In the end though, it wasn't long before they finally did cross a line that they couldn't come back from. Apparently, neither of them were as strong as they had believed themselves to be.

Emma had done something awful. She had broken Henry's heart on purpose; taken a child's heart and controlled her and she was terrible, _terrible…_ but it had worked, and the Darkness justified it because the end result was satisfactory but the human part of Emma screamed at her inside and wouldn't let it lie, and Emma couldn't handle it.

Regina hadn't known what was wrong, just that her magic seemed to be out of control; black clouds swirled overhead like an angry tornado, picking up objects in its wake and flinging them towards the walls. Regina had screamed at her to stop it, and while Emma ached to obey her because she didn't want this, she didn't, she _didn't…_ it was too hard, and she was too out of control and she didn't know how to turn it off.

Regina had grasped her face in her hands then, forcing Emma's attention solely on her and demanded that she stop. That she _breathe._ That she do exactly as she was told less she wanted to go an entire week without physical contact from her. And Emma, who craved Regina's touch now like she craved air to breathe, closed her eyes and tried desperately to fight her natural instincts, because she couldn't bear the ultimatum if she did not. Just as it was a reward for her, it was also used as a punishment should she fail, because Regina knew exactly how much she needed it.

It took a long while, but eventually it worked. The storm fell away to nothing and all that was left was the warmth of Regina's palms on her face, the gentle touch of her forehead against her own, and the woman's soft voice as she continued to count Emma's breaths out loud for her, as she was concerned she was too distracted to do it herself. Everything inside of Emma still ached though, and as she opened her eyes and looked at the woman just mere breaths away from her, she suddenly felt as though she were on fire. It hurt – God, had it hurt – but it was passionate, it was real and intense and Emma hadn't known what to do with it at the time because she knew she shouldn't want this. Her.

"Regina," she breathed, not knowing what she was begging her for but hearing the tone slip around the other woman's name all the same. She could feel the brunette's breath on her lips and it was heavy and uneven, and it made Emma completely forget what was happening to her and what she had done because Regina had always been the only person who reminded her that she was more than the Darkness inside of her, more than just the sum of her mistakes.

The pads of Regina's fingers were gently stroking Emma's jawline, and the blonde noted that her eyes had fallen closed and she now had this pained expression on her face. Emma knew that this wasn't fair to her; that she should just move away from her and break the connection because this was going to lead them down a road that would only plague them with guilt and regret, but then Regina opened her eyes and looked at her, really _looked_ at her and the only thing Emma could do was exhale, "…Please," in a rather broken sounding tone.

And Regina's lips covered hers.

The kiss had been intense. They grasped for one another, small gasps being intermixed with labored breathing, and Emma's back ended up against the wall as Regina's hands found a home beneath her shirt and God, Emma could remember it now like it was happening all over again. She could remember Regina's last desperate attempt to grasp onto sanity with, "We shouldn't," and Emma's own whispered acknowledgement of, "I know," against the other woman's lips until they both chose to ignore it entirely and fucked on the floor of the tower.

Emma loved her. She had known even then that she loved her; she had probably loved her for a long time, but hadn't been able to see it because they weren't 'supposed' to be one another's Happy Endings. And it was exhilarating and awful all at once to realize that, because she still loved Killian. Regina still loved Robin. They weren't going to leave them, because that would be foolish; giving up their predestined happiness was _foolish_ and yet they couldn't stay away.

And they had tried after that.

Emma knew that she was being selfish though; springing this on Regina now. She had assumed herself a lost cause and after what she had done, she owed it to Killian to, well… not betray him by continuing to fuck Regina, for a start. But he couldn't bear to look at her anymore, used _loved_ in a past tense in a way that Emma knew would devastate her if she could truly feel it because she knew she didn't deserve his love anyhow, and now all she wanted was to fix it and maybe become a good person again so she wouldn't stop destroying everything that she touched. If she could just _focus,_ if she could just get the Darkness out of them both then maybe it'd make up for the fact that she was in love with another person.

Maybe if she could save him, then it would wipe the slate clean and she'd be absolved of her guilt. It was a futile hope, but it was all that Emma had anymore.

But focusing meant being with Regina again, because that was the only way Emma was ever clear-headed. It was the only way her emotions felt real and not something she fabricated to try to convince herself that she was still human. Maybe she didn't need her in a sexual way, but if Regina rewarded her with affection Emma knew it would go down that road anyhow. She couldn't be touched by Regina now without wanting something more, without _feeling_ something more. But how was it fair of her, to put Regina in this position again? Regina _hated_ herself for what she was doing to Robin; Emma could see it in her eyes every time that she looked at him. Yet she still came to her, still conditioned her to obey her every command, still rewarded her with kisses and care and then gave Emma back her control so she could make love to her.

Because despite Emma having asked her to, as something about a sexually dominant Regina turned her on like nothing else did, Regina refused to control her in bed. She said they needed to keep that separate, because what they were doing was volatile and likely to come crashing down around them and Emma couldn't lose that if it did. She still needed to be controlled. As the Dark One, she still needed that discipline, and it was too important to taint with whatever it was that they were now doing.

And God, Emma needed that right now. Needed _her_ right now.

She had Rumple tied up downstairs and Merida tied to her damn car and everything inside of her was screaming that this was the right thing to do, that the ends justified the means, but she worried she might be being too rash and thoughtless about this in her desperation, and she couldn't— _she couldn't screw this up._ She needed to save him, because she already fucked him over one too many times before, and Emma refused to believe that, despite being the Dark One, that she was a bad person.

She did bad _things_ , but she was… she was making up for them; she was evening the scales, because it was so much easier than making a choice that she feared either way would leave her devastated and heartbroken.

Emma knew she couldn't lie here all day though; Regina seemed to be a lost cause, at least momentarily, and life had to go on. Merida would surely be conscious now; perhaps it was time to pay her a visit and get Gold's training on the road. But before Emma could move more than an inch suddenly a large puff of purple smoke appeared in the middle of her living room, Regina in the center of it. Emma exhaled a long puff of air and brought her head back down heavily onto the couch cushions. Of course she'd choose now to show up, because why not?

"Are you incapable of ringing the doorbell?" Emma deadpanned, repeating the woman's words from the previous day back at her. Her gaze was fixated firmly on the ceiling, not trusting herself to look at the other woman at the moment. She had been far too caught up in memories this morning, and Emma didn't want them affecting the way she looked at Regina when the other woman had been all too clear that she did not wish to revisit what they previously had.

"I… honestly didn't think that would work," Regina responded, looking shocked beyond measure that it actually had. "Why is this place not warded?"

"It is," Emma responded, counting each imperfection in the ceiling above her; cracks, indents, chips in the paint. It kept her grounded in a situation where she already felt so out of control. "Just not against you. Not while I'm home, anyhow."

Regina's eyebrow rose at that. "And do you allow Hook the same come and go policy as you apparently do me?" Her tone held an accusation, and when the blonde swallowed it cut like daggers in her throat.

Emma's lips pursed into a thin line, and suddenly she sat up, swinging her legs off the couch to meet the ground with a heavy thud. _No,_ was the answer to that question, but that had only been a recent development, and Emma did not consider it to be any of the other woman's business. "What do you want, Regina?"

"I want to know why the hell you took Hook's sword."

Emma blinked at the unexpected question. "Excuse me?" That was in no way why she had thought Regina had come over; even actually taking her up on her offer seemed more likely to her than caring about anything to do with Killian. Regina hated him.

Emma used to wonder why. She doesn't anymore.

"Don't play coy. You took the pirate's sword and I want to know _why,_ " Regina reiterated, stepping closer to the other woman. She still kept a fair amount of distance though, either due to mistrust of herself or of Emma. Perhaps both. "Because apparently your head games aren't just reserved for me anymore, and while you might be able to emotionally cripple your boyfriend enough to make him not realize the significance of your actions, some of us aren't as utterly moronic as your questionable choice in bed partners."

" _Don't_ talk about him like that," Emma practically snarled, infuriated with the way Regina always tore into Killian. Jealous or not, _she_ at least had the decency not to speak about Robin like that to her. That was beyond petty, and it made dark magic thrum threateningly on the surface because _fuck her,_ but using her magic against Regina wasn't something she was built for anymore.

Only five weeks, and she couldn't even find the strength to go against her even when she was angry and free from the other woman's control; free, at least, until Regina realized how much she truly had. Conditioning should not be that fast, obedience should not come that easily. Sometimes, Emma wondered if she had always craved this type of relationship with someone because she had always been a bit of a lost puppy in need of a home, or if she was just the most pathetic Dark One to ever exist.

Perhaps it was both.

"Oh, I'm sorry, did that offend you?" Regina shot back, sarcasm dripping from every word. "Because correct me if I'm wrong, but it seemed as though you didn't much care about him anymore when you practically molested me in my home. Or are you going to pretend that the pirate was not only aware, but _approved_ of your actions last night? Because I'm fairly certain he might feel immensely betrayed by you if he knew. Should we call him and find out?"

Regina pulled out her phone then in a rather dramatic showing, actually _threatening_ to do something so moronic that it made Emma worry for her sanity for a second there, and suddenly she was hit with a memory that was certainly not her own as a faceless man stood screaming at what Emma assumed was his wife about someone named… named…

Fuck, it didn't matter.

"Like I care about other people's marital issues," Emma ground out furiously, hating this power. The man had been waving a phone around which was what probably brought it on, but seeing as it seemed to be about the most _useless_ memory or premonition she has ever had, Emma's patience with it was wearing thin. Especially because Regina had only stopped briefly to look at her like she was insane for her little outburst that seemed to come out of nowhere, before she started to—

Damnit. Actually _dial._

Was she honestly serious about this? This was bordering on masochistic. Emma just wished she would realize it before she said something to someone that she couldn't take back.

The blonde's eyes flashed as she waved her hand, causing the cell phone to immediately disappear from Regina's grasp. "Don't fucking test me, Regina," Emma spat, pointing at her in warning. Anger. it was strong; much stronger than any other emotion she had felt for a while. Then again, Regina did always know how to bring out the best in her. "You might think what I told you was a load of crap, but you forget that it's me that holds your memories in my hands. If you screw me over, I'll show Robin _exactly_ what we used to do with one another; and believe me, my version won't be quite as PG."

But instead of looking wary of her threat, Regina merely scoffed. "You won't, because if you wanted any of us to have our memories then you would have given them to us already. You're hiding something, and until you feel it's safe enough for us to remember, you wouldn't _dare_ give us anything that could help us make sense of your plan."

Emma rolled her eyes at that. "Us fucking has nothing to do with my plan, unless you really believe yourself that important?" She laughed then, because it covered the next lie she was about to tell. "I can pick and choose what you, or even _he_ would be able to remember, and then—"

"No," Regina interrupted, taking another step towards her. There was a certainty in her eyes that made Emma vastly uncomfortable. "You can't. Because if you could, you would have done so last night to back up your ludicrous claims. Unless, of course, they were all a lie to begin with? Either way though, you have nothing; and what's more is that both of us know that."

Emma immediately fell silent, anger and helplessness brewing behind her eyes, because Regina was right; she _couldn't_ do that. It was all or nothing, and right then Emma couldn't give any of them all of their lost memories, even if it meant her not having something to hold over Regina in return.

She really did not enjoy Regina having the upper hand in this scenario.

Regina was starting to look far too smug for her liking, as clearly the blonde's lack of retort indicated that she had been correct in her assumptions, and so Emma tried to stifle her pride for a moment in order to not make this situation even messier than it already was. "Regina, please," she pleaded softly, her gaze connecting with the former Queen's. Begging her, because she didn't want her secrets broadcast to those they would devastate. "Please, don't tell him. I've already hurt him enough."

And it was perhaps that, above anything else, that encouraged Regina to stand down. She stared at her, lips pursed into a thin line as she no doubt wondered if Emma was begging her not to tell him because she didn't want some frivolous lie to hurt him, or because what she had said was really _true._

"And yet you insist on continuing this ridiculous charade," Regina responded, her voice soft yet firm; as though she hated speaking about this, but needed Emma to know that she didn't approve. "How do you think it's going to make him feel if he found out that you tried to manipulate me by—"

"I _wasn't_ trying to manipulate you," Emma responded, her eyes growing hard as she stared the other woman down. "Believe me, Regina; if I was, I would have succeeded." Actually that wasn't a given, considering the last time she had tried she had failed, but Regina didn't need to know that. "I was just trying to be honest with you—"

"I did _not_ cheat on Robin!" Regina practically shouted, unable to accept the truth about herself. "And I'm beginning to not even care why you want me to believe I did, because we are _through_ having this conversation; do you understand me? Now _sit down,_ stop playing your ridiculous mind games, _and tell me why the hell you took that sword!_ "

Emma immediately sat, the tone of voice that Regina was using all too familiar to her. The near-instantaneous reaction nearly caused the brunette's eyebrows to practically shoot off her head, but they rose even higher when Emma couldn't really stop herself from revealing, "I needed something that had touched Rumpelstiltskin as a man."

Regina just stared at her, completely disbelieving about what she had just witnessed. Emma ground her teeth together, realizing that she had unintentionally set Regina up to have far too much power; all she had wanted to do was kneel at the woman's feet and be treated like some sort of prized poodle or _whatever_ because that was what calmed her, focused her, _grounded_ her, but the problem was that that wasn't all that they had done. Regina had conditioned her to obey demands with minimal resistance, and _demanding_ that she tell her things was so terribly dangerous to her plans.

"Regina, don't… please don't take advantage of my trust in you right now," Emma tried, because she knew Regina must realize by now what she could do. "If I wanted to reveal my plan to you I would. Please don't force me."

But Regina just stared at her like she couldn't trust what was in front of her face. "You're playing with me…" She looked so entirely suspicious of her motivations that Emma felt herself release an exasperated breath, because did she honestly think that the Dark One would obey her like this? Even for nothing but a manipulation, this stripped away too much pride.

"Just don't," Emma reiterated. "I'll never forgive you if you do."

Regina's eyes narrowed as she moved to practically circle Emma in the armchair, trying to absorb this newest bit of information. "I'd only be forcing you if I used the dagger, dear," Regina reminded her, seemingly unsure if whether or not this little act of obedience was legitimate or not. "This is a choice."

"Essentially," Emma admitted, because that was the point of it; she _chose_ to allow Regina to condition her, which was different than stripping away her autonomy. In the end though, it could still be abused. "But you still trained me to obey you, which means you can still take advantage of me. I trusted you not to; please don't prove me wrong."

Emma's insistence that Regina essentially had the power to hurt her should she wish to made the former Queen noticeably pause as she assessed the other woman's demeanor. Emma wouldn't even make eye contact with her, needing Regina to believe in her submission even though she hadn't been explicitly asked not to look at her until she was told to. In the end, it made her seem rather helpless, and it was that, above all else, that would make Regina not take advantage of her because Emma knew that she didn't prey on the weak. Not anymore.

"Why…?" Regina asked, her voice soft and confused as she looked down at the woman in the chair, just trying to make sense of what she was being told. "If you gave me the dagger, then why did you need me to…?"

"It calmed me; took a weight off my shoulders that I couldn't handle carrying back then." Regina narrowed her eyes at that though, and Emma amended, "And it was also used as a failsafe, should you not have the dagger within reach when I got out of control."

Regina pursed her lips, still immensely confused over what was happening right now. It seemed to be a bit too much information at once for her, even though they had started this conversation the other day. Regina hadn't been ready to believe her then though; now, it seemed, might be a different story. "And I agreed to this?" she asked, only slightly disbelieving. "Mentally controlling you is one thing, Emma; it's rather unorthodox, but I suppose I can understand your need for something like that. But I would _never—_ "

"No," Emma interrupted, sighing heavily. Did Regina even listen to her the last time she spoke? "I told you before this was only a mental thing. You didn't—"

"You said we crossed a line!"

"We did, but not with this," Emma told her, trying to convey as much honesty in her voice as she could. "This was separate from our… affair." The word stuck in her throat, and made Regina look ill. Emma tried to move past it however; what was done was done. She hated herself for it, but that didn't mean she was strong enough to not want it.

"Maybe we crossed a line emotionally because of this and that's what led to… other things, but there was just something about the… the _simplicity_ of not having to make my own decisions, of feeling protected from my own dangerous impulses because I knew you wouldn't allow me to go that far," Emma tried to explain. Across the room, Regina swallowed hard. "All I know is that now there's this part of me that lives and breathes for the affection you gave me when I did as I was told. I don't know how to turn it off; I don't know how to settle myself anymore without—"

" _Stop,_ " Regina demanded, the word practically choking up in her throat as she held up her hand to her. Emma immediately fell silent.

Regina was silent for a long time, this intense storm brewing behind her eyes as she began to question far too many things about herself, about _them._ Finally, she spoke. "Let's say I believe you about… controlling you," she began, her words sounding a little hesitant. "That's one thing. But I refuse to believe that I—"

"You have a birthmark on the inside of your upper right thigh."

Regina nearly fell over, so it was lucky she was by the couch. She tried to steady herself enough to at least sit in a somewhat dignified manner, but she was still staring at Emma like she was four seconds away from vomiting all over the floor. Emma felt terrible for having done this to her, but she would have remembered eventually anyhow. After all, the removal of their memories was only supposed to be temporary.

"It's sort of shaped like a crescent moo—"

" _Enough,_ " Regina practically barked at her, unable to keep hearing things that went directly against who she believed she was as a person. Emma fell silent again, her eyes trained on the ground; head bowed in a gesture of submission and apology. She wished she could have picked and chose what memories she wanted everyone to remember. It would have been so much easier that way.

Regina just sat there in silence for a moment, her elbows on her knees with her hands pressed over her mouth. Finally, the fear she seemed to be caught up in was finally voiced. "Did anyone know about this?" she breathed, the words barely more than a whisper.

Emma shook her head. "No. Not about any of it." She paused then, before amending with, "At least not as far as I was aware." Because she really couldn't be certain of anything. Still, Emma believed that should anyone have found out, they would have said something to her.

Regina's eyes fell closed then as she exhaled what sounded like a relieved breath. No doubt she didn't want Robin to find out about her indiscretions once they got their memories back. Another long stretch of silence passed between them before Regina asked softly, "So what exactly was it that you… gave me?" At Emma's furrowed brow though, Regina reiterated, "What was my reason for throwing away my Happy Ending, throwing away my _soulmate_ for—?"

"I don't know," Emma responded, her voice carefully devoid of emotion. The way Regina was acting towards this made her feel wary. She had every right to, of course, but Emma feared this conversation would end with her getting her heart broken. "You never told me."

She wished she had. Maybe things would have made a little more sense.

"Then what was yours?"

Emma stayed silent, not really knowing how to answer that. She had never told Regina her reason either; it was just something that happened, not something that they thought about in depth because then the guilt would be too much.

"Emma," Regina demanded, looking up at her. Emma still had her gaze trained on the ground, and she continued. "Look at me. _Speak._ "

Emma caught her gaze. "Because you felt like home," was the first answer that popped out of her mouth. She immediately covered her face after that and let out a hiss as she rubbed her forehead. She didn't want to think about why that was, when she loved someone else as well. No answer that she seemed to reach made any of this any better.

Regina was looking at her with an expression Emma couldn't decipher, her lips pursed into a thin line and her brow crinkled like this might be the most agonizing conversation she ever had. Emma could relate. She hadn't really known what her endgame was when she went to Regina last night, but she was certain this wasn't it.

Neither of them spoke again for a long time, until finally it was Regina who broke it. "I won't pretend I don't have feelings for you," she breathed, her words causing Emma to meet her gaze again. "But by the time I had realized it, you were already with Hook. And then I settled down with Robin, and I believed that it was okay that I had missed my chance. He was my soulmate, something predestined and I—"

"I hate that word."

Regina's brow rose. "Oh? And here I thought you stayed with the pirate because you believed him to be yours. Did you not consider him your Happy Ending?"

"I didn't grow up in a world with absolutes, Regina," Emma told her, needing her to realize that she believed it to be madness to tie yourself to one thing just because someone or some _thing_ else told her to. "Happy Endings were something you worked for, not something that was just handed to you. I entirely believe it to be possible to have more than one; or at least have many roads that lead to the same destination. And I'm not telling you this because I'm trying to make you choose something else; I still love Killian, and I still believe that I might be absolutely insane to risk my happiness with him when I was perfectly content before. But that doesn't mean that I don't wonder if I chose wrong before, or that I'm scared that I'm choosing wrong now."

Regina's expression softened at that, disbelief shining behind darkened eyes. "…You're choosing me?" The words were uttered like Regina couldn't believe anyone _would_ unless destiny or whatever else dictated that someone should, and that broke Emma's heart a little. Still, that wasn't entirely what she was saying either.

"No. I don't know," Emma tried, sounding frustrated with herself. "I could. A part of me wants to, but another part is torn because I still love him, Regina. I love him very much." Regina pursed her lips, but nodded her understanding. "Regardless, I don't have time to think about that. I need to rectify what I've done, and until then—"

"What did you do?"

Emma stayed silent, realizing she might have revealed too much.

"Emma—"

"No," Emma interrupted, fearing what was coming next. "Don't you dare demand answers from me, Regina. I told you I'm not ready to reveal them yet."

"Then why am I here?" Regina demanded, not understanding the other woman's goal in regards to her. "You're telling me that you're still undecided about which relationship you'd like to pursue, and yet you completely turned _my_ world upside down by revealing to me that we had one in the first place. Why? Why couldn't you just leave it alone, allow me have some semblance of peace that the bliss of ignorance gave me until I either got my memories back, or you decided that it was me that you truly wanted? Did you just not want to suffer this guilt _alone_ anymore? Because I have to tell you, Emma, what you just did to me was unnecessarily cruel."

"I didn't mean for it to be," Emma told her, her rather neutral tone at least holding an underlying apology. "I… made a mistake. I shouldn't have kissed you, because that wasn't why I came to you. I just didn't know how to stop myself."

"Then what _do_ you want?"

Emma didn't say anything, but it seemed Regina had already known the answer to her question before it was even asked. She looked at her then, her eyes swimming with an emotion Emma couldn't name before the brunette exhaled a resigned sigh and instructed, "…Come here then."

Emma moved without a second thought, and when Regina hesitantly pointed to the ground next to her – as though she was unsure if that was where she used to place her before, yet knowing that was what she had done when she was Queen at least – Emma followed her instruction and knelt by her feet. "Is this right?" Regina asked softly, still so very unsure of herself, yet definitely not wanting to offend Emma or anything by placing her where she used to place her servants, but Emma just nodded in response.

Regina exhaled a breath she didn't seem to realize she had been holding as she gently weaved her fingers through the blonde's hair, encouraging the other woman's head onto her lap. Emma's eyes fell closed as she laid her cheek on the former Queen's thighs, suddenly feeling as though this huge weight had been lifted from her as Regina delicately stroked her hair, her cheek, her neck. Emma smiled softly, and Regina, noting the look of contentment on the other woman's face, couldn't help but breathe out, "This is madness."

But she didn't tell her that this needed to stop, or this was just a one-time occurrence that she was allotting her; Regina didn't sound all that regretful about it either, just… surprised by how Emma reacted to her.

"Tell me what you need, dear," Regina breathed, the sound barely more than a whisper as she tenderly brushed a strand of hair away from Emma's eyes, tucking it behind her ear.

"Just this," Emma whispered, focusing on nothing else but the sound of Regina's voice, the feeling of her gentle touch. It was almost motherly in a way, but Emma really did not want to think of her many issues regarding _that_ area of her life, and therefore tried to regard it as nothing more than loving in a very different way, even though the truth was that it was probably a mixture of both. "Sometimes, it just becomes… too much. I can't think when everything becomes chaotic, and I can't risk that right now. I can't risk impulses and rash decisions; I need to just relieve myself of this weight for a second so I can think clearly for once, because if I screw this up…"

"Emma, whatever it is, whatever you've done… you don't have to bear the burden of it alone," Regina tried. "You have people that love you, people who would gladly—"

"I know," Emma interrupted softly, her eyes opening for a moment while her fingers gently toyed with the bottom hem of Regina's pantsuit. "But this is my fault. My responsibility. I won't put that on anyone else."

"Are you not trying to share that burden with me now though?" Regina questioned, gently raking her nails across her scalp. The feeling made Emma shiver slightly, but she reminded herself not to return the affection she was being given; after all, just because Regina allowed this, did not mean that she would allow anything else. "Is that not what this is?"

"It's different."

"How?"

"Because you don't know the weight you're holding," Emma answered honestly, if not a little apologetically because there was, truly, a part of her who didn't want to do this alone. "It's metaphorical. It's—"

"It doesn't have to be."

Emma's eyes fell closed in exasperation, knowing how stubborn Regina was. Perhaps she should have never done this, perhaps she should have never complicated things until she had finished what she was meant to do, but Regina was a weakness that she could not seem to shed. "Please," she pleaded softly. "Do not push me; I'm not ready."

Regina pursed her lips in displeasure, but ultimately decided to respect Emma's request. In the end, she knew Emma trusted her, and to abuse that trust would be a gross violation of the arrangement they seemed to have found themselves in. She might not remember the extent of it, but Regina had grown enough as a person to know now that an abuse of her power never yielded positive results. Emma both respected and appreciated her for that.

Silence stretched between the two women for a long moment before Regina finally spoke again. "I will allow you to come to me if this is the only way you have learned to control the Darkness inside of you, but that is with the condition whatever this plan of yours entails, you will personally guarantee to me that it comes with neither a body count nor disastrous repercussions for the rest of the town," she told her, the older woman's tone indicating that she expected to be listened to, and not questioned. It was actually rather comforting, and made Emma feel more at home than she had in weeks. "Although I'm certain you already know this; I will repeat it for emphasis: I do not reward bad behavior."

"Bad behavior?" Emma repeated, a hint of amusement in her tone at the vast understatement in that sentence. "Is that what you call murder and mayhem now?"

"It is what I call anything that does not fit into the realm of what I deem to be appropriate," Regina answered, her hand finally stilling in the blonde's hair. The lack of grooming made Emma instinctively pay more attention, and she raised her head from the former Queen's lap to catch her gaze. "Correct me if I'm wrong, but your request for this type of conditioning indicates you crave the peace that comes with a simplicity in life that you cannot find otherwise. The Darkness inside of you is causing chaos which is interfering with you thinking rationally, which you yourself admitted you cannot afford to have happen. I am only doing what you asked."

Well, she had her there. Still, her request complicated matters a tad.

"I will not debate with you the nature of right and wrong, Emma," Regina continued, a tone of finality in her voice. "You will do as I tell you, or you will not receive from me what you claim to need. There is no in between, and considering the expression you are wearing as you look at me now, I do not believe that you want there to be."

And perhaps that was true, but it still made things more complicated than Emma would have liked, and therefore it caused her to question something she knew better than to push. "I thought you of all people would understand the concept of 'the ends justify the—'"

But suddenly with a wave of a hand, Emma's voice was stolen right from her throat. Regina quirked an eyebrow at her when confronted with the blonde's expression; she honestly hadn't expected Regina to have fallen back into a routine she didn't remember that they once had so easily. "I'm sorry, it sounded as though you were trying to debate with me, when I had specifically told you that I was not going to."

Emma shook her head, being reminded of her place; the place that _she_ had asked for. She had known going into this that she wasn't going to enjoy when Regina told her no, but the entire point was that she needed someone to because sometimes the Darkness inside of her skewed not only her impulse control, but her moral code. Regina was merely exercising that and perhaps she was right, despite the part of Emma that seethed with frustration as her one straight-forward plan became a little more difficult to execute.

"You still have defiance in you," Regina noted, assessing the expression on the blonde's face that Emma quickly tried to rearrange to a more neutral stance. She did not enjoy being read so easily; not anymore. Until she was finished doing what she needed to, Regina could not know her secrets. "I'm almost disappointed in myself, although I suppose one can only do so much in a short amount of time without beating you for your missteps. I… assume I did not do such a thing, correct?"

Regina sounded as though she hoped she had assumed right, yet feared that perhaps she hadn't. Emma shook her head though, assuring the other woman that she had never abused her. She had to be forceful sometimes yes, as the Dark One would take over sometimes and leave destruction in its wake unless properly contained, but it was never a regular occurrence nor used in obedience training.

"—Good," Regina responded, noticeably exhaling a breath of relief. She must have been a bit more heavy-handed as the Evil Queen, and worried that she wouldn't know how to handle the Dark One without violence. Regina was good though; much better than she herself thought she was. "While I did not exercise the theory when I was younger as I lacked patience and understanding, I do know there are much better ways to discipline someone. I'm glad your Darkness did not force my hand into doing something that I would regret."

Emma wanted to say something in response to that, but the former Queen had yet to give back her voice. She looked up at Regina, who noticed that she wished to talk just by the look in her eyes. "If it is important, you will remember it," she assured her, not about to relinquish Emma's punishment so quickly. She had a point to make apparently, and was apt to have Emma remember it. "If you wish to speak, then you will learn to listen. Until then, you will be silent."

Although they both knew that should Emma wish to speak, she could easily magic her voice back, Emma did as she was told and stayed silent for the duration of Regina's lesson in obedience. In the end, she knew she should have never argued with her in the first place, and therefore knew she deserved this. Regina didn't do _gray areas_ when it came to her conditioning; it was very black and white, very do or do not. If Emma had been _Emma_ then, she would have made a joke about Yoda, but it felt as though she lost that part of herself long ago, and she hated it.

Which, at the end of the day, was why she did this.

Being the Dark One made Emma feel powerful, yes; it made her feel unburdened by the morality she seemed to have lost, allowing her to make the tough decisions while seeing the overall picture instead of the insignificant details, but that wasn't _her_ and she knew it. It was easier, yes, and very useful for what she was trying to achieve at the moment, but she didn't want to stay this way.

Not forever.

[x]

"Regina, please," Emma tried from the other side of the front door, her palm flat against the surface of the wood as she bowed her head in apology and regret. She figured that it would probably be received better than anger, even though she felt the emotion completely justified seeing as Regina broke into her home and stole one of her dreamcatchers. Still, she didn't want to be cut off. Couldn't _handle_ being cut off, if she were to be honest. "Please, let me in. You know I would never hurt Henry without a good reason."

Strangely, after her talk with Regina last night when she had attempted to see Henry, it still did not occur to Emma that Regina would refuse to see her as well should she come calling. She knew that the other woman was disappointed in her yes, but Regina hadn't seemed as angry as Emma would have expected after something like that. At least, not then.

 _Now,_ however, was a different story.

Perhaps Regina hadn't realized the full weight of Emma's betrayal of their son's trust before, or maybe she was too worried about Emma's obvious descent into Darkness in that moment that she didn't look at the entire picture. Or, perhaps, she had just seen Henry visibly upset or crying, and it had sparked a protective rage within Regina that she did not know how to ignore. Either way, it seemed Emma was, at the moment, one of Regina's least favorite people in this town, and that really did not bode well for her.

"There is _never_ a good reason to hurt our son," Regina responded from the other side of the door, apparently disgusted enough with her to practically spit out the words, yet not angry enough to just storm off completely. Or, perhaps, she was merely there just in case Emma tried to enter without an invitation; it would be so easy, after all, but that… it was not who Emma wanted to be. She had already done enough damage in regards to everyone's trust in her, and she didn't want to break that even further with Regina _or_ Henry. They were too important to her.

"And I _swear_ ," Regina continued seethingly, trying to sound angry despite Emma knowing that deep down, the other woman just felt so utterly hurt and betrayed by what she had done that actually it broke her heart a little, as that proved Emma truly was not the person she used to be anymore. "You are _lucky_ I've never implemented physical violence into your conditioning because I would have whipped you so badly for this it would take you _weeks_ to properly heal yourself, even with your Dark Magic. You hurt our _son_ , Miss Swan; emotionally or physically bears no difference to me because either way, it is completely unacceptable. We are his parents; we're supposed to _protect_ him, not break him. You've crossed the line; you're so far past the line that you're starting to remind me of my own _mother_ , and I am…. I am honestly so _sickened_ by the very thought of you right now."

"If that's what will get you to open this damn door, then whip me, Regina; I don't care!" Emma pleaded as she slammed the flat of her palm against the door in desperation, which was about as close to an actual emotional response as she had had in what seemed like forever. It was strange, and it almost felt _wrong_ , and yet what was left of her humanity clawed to the surface in order to regain what she had lost. Her eyes fell closed briefly as she took a deep breath, calming herself enough to speak in a plain tone once more. "Just please don't—don't call me 'Miss Swan' again."

It felt like those two simple words undid years of progress, and that shredded what was left of her.

"Are you truly that far gone that you'd allow me to revert to the sadistic, _horrible_ person I once was just to get what you want?" Regina asked, the sadness she was feeling beginning to overshadow her anger as she realized in horrified disbelief that Emma was far worse off than she originally believed. "I spent years trying to better myself, Emma, and yet you believe your twisted idea of forgiveness is worth throwing that all away for?"

"No, I—" Emma began, realizing how selfish it was of her to even ask something like that of Regina. She took a breath, trying to control the small bit of humanity left inside of her that continued to scream and twist inside of her gut. _I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry…_ "That… that was not what I meant. I was just trying to tell you that I understand that it's what I deserve right now."

"What you _deserve_ is exactly what you are being given," Regina shot back firmly, her voice sounding closer than it did before. She was right on the other side of the door now, and Emma's fingernails lightly clawed at the wood as she fought with the urge to just break the damn thing down. Regina continued though, her voice firm as she laid down the rules, "There will be no verbal or physical contact between us from the end of this conversation until such time I have decided that you've been punished enough. You will not see me, you will not see our _son_ —"

"You can't _do_ that!" Emma raged, the Darkness inside of her wrapping around her soul as it squeezed and strangled and caused her humanity to _beg_ for breath. Magic hummed against the surface of her skin, causing the tiny hairs on her arms to rise and vibrate as Emma struggled for air, or perhaps just her sanity. She felt like she was the one being wronged here, and that caused the Darkness inside of her to revolt quite catastrophically. "I did what you told me to do; I haven't caused any lasting damage to anyone or this town. I followed your rules, Regina; you _can't_ punish me for something I did before you implemented them!"

Without warning, the front door opened in a wave of violent fury, the look on Regina's face almost startling Emma out of her struggle with her control. Almost.

" _You_ do not tell _me_ what I can or cannot do," Regina began dangerously, closing the space between them so quickly that Emma didn't know what else to do, and instinctively took a step backwards. Still, the magic inside of her was slipping from her grasp, and a sudden gust of wind whipped Regina's hair in front of her face as clouds darkened the sky overhead and a large crack split the brunette's front lawn in two.

She was so angry. _God,_ she was so angry that it felt like her rage was clawing its way out of her skin…

"Get ahold of yourself!" Regina demanded, grasping Emma's chin in her hand rather violently as she forced the other woman to hold eye contact with her. Emma set her jaw, her eyes alight with fire. "You can not and _will_ not get what you want just because you decide to throw a temper tantrum like an irate toddler!"

Emma was losing control though, and the Dark One's powers were ripping through her so violently she just wanted a place to expel them. Emma had known that the Darkness fed on her anger, so she tried to force an impassive nature despite it being terribly unnatural. It had worked, for the most part, but there was just something about _Regina_ that made her unable to control how she felt, and now Emma was practically getting blinded by an influx of visions that made her hate this goddamn entranceway with every fiber of her being.

Doors being slammed in her face. Her being blown back with magic and thrown across the front lawn. They fought here too much. They had always fought her too much.

"Shit," Emma ground out, the word sounding painful to utter due to the awful headache the influx of memories was giving her. She couldn't control it, couldn't stop it. She couldn't even tell if it was the past or the future anymore; it was all coming so fast that it blurred together. Ripping her head out of Regina's hand, Emma closed her eyes and put the heels of her hands to her temples, hissing out, "I'm sick to fucking death of us fighting. We're always _fighting_ outside of this stupid house; God, I hate this _fucking_ house."

Her hand shot out then, making one of the columns holding up the balcony above them shatter, spraying bits of marble across the lawn. Regina was shouting at her but Emma couldn't really hear her, and she was only vaguely aware of being pulled out from underneath the balcony should it end up falling down on top of them.

Emma knew she was causing a scene, yet she didn't know how to stop it. She had thought she was doing better, had thought she had more control, and yet this proved with a blinding clarity that she did not. It sounded like there were more voices now; no doubt some of the residents around Regina's house that had seen or heard the commotion.

Emma could not bear the humiliation if someone witnessed Regina attempting to keep her 'under control', but thankfully it seemed the other woman knew that, and suddenly Emma was grabbed by the collar of her shirt before the two women disappeared in a cloud of purple smoke.

Emma didn't know where they ended up at first, but her awareness increased dramatically once Regina wasted no time slapping her right across the face. "Look at me!" she demanded, trying to jar Emma out of the visions that were blinding her to reality. Emma blinked heavily, her cheek stinging as she tried to focus on the woman in front of her. She was still only half-aware of what was going on though, the Darkness inside of her craving mayhem and destruction, and her hand shot out to magically crush the… oh, damn, the brand new jungle gym.

They were in the park by the water that was currently closed due to reconstruction, which now would no doubt take even longer to complete due to Emma's little mishap. Regina swore loudly as she watched Emma rip up what was no doubt costly to put in, and suddenly Emma felt a magical weight against the back of her legs that forced the blonde to her knees just as Regina wrapped a hand in her hair, absolutely destroying her up do and forcing Emma to give her her full attention.

The Darkness within her raged, but when Emma broke the other woman's magical bond and tried to stand, Regina pushed her back down with her _own_ weight this time and barked, " _No!_ You will kneel there and you will _calm down_ lest you ever wish to see me or our son again because I will _not_ have him around an uncontrollable monster, Emma; I won't!"

Emma wanted to scream with frustration, hating that this was now her in her rawest, most primal form. All she wanted to do was tear the world apart and watch it burn, and fighting the urge to not rip Regina in two just for trying to stop her was shredding her insides apart. She felt like she was fighting a losing battle within herself, and her fingernails dug into her palms as Emma clenched her fists and closed her eyes, exhaling hard breaths as she tried to fight off the raging storm inside of her because she couldn't lose them because of this. She _wouldn't._

" _Breathe._ "

The word was whispered into her ear, no doubt just trying to calm her with soft tones, but it was so unexpectedly… _sexy_ that it actually startled Emma as her muscles loosened and she breathed, " _Jesus,_ " in response, leaning over a little as her palm hit the grass and she inhaled a long breath. The abrupt and unexpected switch in emotion actually helped though, and Emma opened her eyes and stared at each individual blade of grass in turn as her chest began to rise and fall in a more stable pattern.

The hand in her hair loosened then and retracted, and Emma allowed her head to hang forward as bits of blonde hair that used to be wrapped in a tight bun began to fall in her eyes. She knew she must look a wreck, but in that moment she didn't really care. Appearing very put together didn't much matter anymore once someone has already witnessed you falling completely apart.

Regina stared down at her for a long moment before she took a step or two backwards, telling Emma very plainly, "Stay. Do not speak." And Emma, who couldn't even bear to look the woman in the eyes right then, did exactly as she was told as Regina crossed a short distance to sit down on one of the park benches, watching her.

It was silent for a very long time.

Finally, Regina spoke. "This is unacceptable." Emma did not comment, did not look at her. She continued to stare down the grass, feeling so very disconnected from herself. Perhaps she had been for some time though, and that was the point.

"You may not think I noticed, but I know why it is that you dress like you do; why you try to appear pristine and put together with your shiny black clothes and hair slicked back without a strand out of place," Regina continued, her words making Emma feel so terribly raw and exposed. "But you're not in _control,_ Emma. The Dark Ones curse is too strong, and it's destroying your sanity. You're fighting a losing battle, and I believe you're all too aware of that."

Emma swallowed hard, but did not respond until Regina told her, "…You may speak now." Still, it took Emma awhile to respond, not knowing what to say in her defense. She still could not look at her, but it was more from shame than the fact that she hadn't been specifically told yet that she could.

"…I'm handling it."

It was a shit response, and Regina outright scoffed at that claim before she snapped back, "You nearly tore my house down, Miss Swan; whatever you believe you're doing, you and I both know that you are not _'handling'_ it. Furthermore, you are _very_ lucky our son wasn't home, or else you and I would be having a very different conversation that you would most definitely come out on the losing end of."

"Don't—"

"I will call you what I please," Regina interrupted, already knowing what Emma's grievance would be. "As I told you last night, if you'd like to be referred to by Emma, then start _acting_ like the Emma I knew."

Emma pursed her lips together, saying nothing.

Regina crossed one leg over the other as she leaned back against the edge of the bench, exhaling a long breath as she continued to stare at the woman on the ground before her. "I honestly don't understand it," she finally said, her voice soft and slightly perplexed. "You must have found some way to manipulate me into believing you were still yourself when we slept together, because if I'm to be honest, I find this part of you to be truly revolting."

That stung more than Emma wished it did, and her head snapped up to meet Regina's gaze with hurt and anger in her eyes as she spat, "Fuck you," her impulse control waning due to the emotional blow as she scathingly spat out, "You couldn't _wait_ to lap at my cunt like some kind of starving fucking kitten, Regina; and what's more is I bet you hate that you can't even remember it."

That wasn't the most mature response in the world, Emma knew that, but it just fell from her lips without any kind of forethought. And honestly, she was expecting to be punished after such a lewd comment, but to her surprise Regina just quirked an eyebrow at her, her amused disbelief written all across her face. "Listen to yourself," Regina told her instead. "You've never been eloquently spoken, dear, but you've certainly never been so disgustingly vulgar either. You honestly cannot find this attractive on yourself, do you?"

Emma's look soured. "I don't usually practice self-appreciation, Regina; I have lovers for that. So really, how attractive I am to myself matters very little." It was a bullshit answer, and they both knew that. Most days, Emma couldn't even stand the sight of herself, and so she stopped looking in mirrors all together.

"Lovers?" Regina responded, sounding bitterly amused. "You mean the boyfriend I've been lead to believe you've cheated on multiple times, or the woman that can barely stand the sight of you right now?"

Emma stared at her, trying desperately to ignore the last bit of humanity inside of her that twisted tightly in her gut at those words. She knew what was happening to her, and she knew that it was tearing everyone around her apart. And Emma hated that, she did, but she _had_ to do this; she had to _be_ this so she could do what needed to be done to rectify what she had done to Killian. What she was doing was absolutely justifiable, and she found it infuriating that they could not see that. They were too emotional to be properly analytical, and that was why they weren't able to rid her of the Darkness in Camelot.

Emma knew the Darkness fed off of hatred and rage just as much as it did manipulation and mayhem, but it also stripped her of a lot of her humanity. She didn't _care_ about much anymore in order to get emotional about anything; except, it seemed, when it came to Regina. Outside of that though, she had been relatively clear-headed so long as the muddled foresight wasn't giving her migraines and the image of Rumple wasn't taunting her. Emma was sorry for her lack of control, and she was sorry for what she was putting everyone through, but she was trying to save a man's life, here. Once they knew that, they would understand. She was sure of that.

But she could not achieve that like this. Emma knew that now, and hated herself for not realizing sooner that what she believed to be a salvation would end up being her greatest hindrance.

"I think I made a grave miscalculation," Emma finally said, looking up at Regina before she slowly rose to her feet, causing Regina's brow to rise slightly in surprise. She did not demand that she get back down on her knees though, nor that she comply to any other demands. She just watched her as one might watch a pet who was doing a curious thing.

"Have you ever even used the word 'miscalculation' until today?" Regina asked, apparently content on pointing out more of her personality changes despite them having no bearing on anything right now. Who she was now didn't concern Emma so much as what she could do should she lose control again, and so she sought to rectify yet another one of her errors.

"I thought I needed you to control me, but my dependence on you is what's causing me to lose control," Emma told her, her voice surprisingly more regretful than she believed herself able to express. "I knew you were going to deny me physical contact and affection as punishment once you realized how badly I need them in order to calm…" Emma waved her hand around her head aimlessly, "all of _this_ , but I did not think I would react to it this strongly. That was reckless, and I can't risk being that way again."

"Then perhaps…" Regina began slowly, rising from the bench herself to cross towards the other woman, not breaking eye contact for even a moment, "you should stop doing things that require punishment."

"Do you think that I enjoyed doing that to Henry?" Emma shot back, needing her to understand that this wasn't just some kind of Dark One running around unchecked and being a dick to children kind of thing, but a very real, very serious mistake that she was trying to rectify. Not that she believed saving Killian's life was a mistake, but it had most certainly been reckless and bore very serious consequences. She also did it against his wishes, which was probably the worst part of it all, but she was selfish, and she was _guilty,_ and she couldn't let him die. Not like that.

He deserved _better_ than that.

"When I first did it, back in Camelot, the human part of me… did not take it well," Emma told her, even though that was a _vast_ understatement to the destruction she caused. "I knew, looking at the bigger picture, that it needed to be done, but I took _no_ pleasure in it, Regina, believe me. If you had your memories, you would remember that."

Regina stared at her, unblinking. "Are you trying to tell me I _knew_ about this before?"

"No," Emma responded quickly, as she of course never told her the horrible things that she had done. She knew Regina wouldn't have forgiven her for doing that to their son, and so she hid the truth from her. Instead, she just exploded, and Regina had to be the one to calm the raging storm inside of her. "But you were the one to get me under control again when I… did not take very well to the things I had done. I never told you what set it off, and you never asked because we became… otherwise engaged, after that."

Regina's brow rose, a look of skepticism on her face. "So you, what? Have a temper tantrum of Dark One proportions and I decided to bed you afterwards? You'll forgive me if I'm skeptical, dear, because that stunt you just pulled back at my house was nowhere _near_ attractive to me."

"It was… complicated. Intense," Emma tried to explain, but knew she wasn't doing so properly. The feelings she had for Regina weren't easy to name, nor categorize. It was everything, all at once, and it was blinding and suffocating and all-consuming and in the end, they didn't have a hope of stopping it. She knew that now, but it didn't make her hate herself for it any less. "I'd say you'd have to be there, but you were, so I really don't know how to explain it to you. It wasn't out of nowhere, if that's what you were thinking. We were aware of our feelings for one another before that, we were just… trying to control them. We obviously failed."

Regina was silent for a long time, just looking at the other woman with an expression that was almost… sad, in a way. It stirred something inside of Emma that she knew was awful because there was a part of her that wanted to make sure that Regina never looked that way again, which obviously meant that she was in way too deep already.

How had she become this person? How did she become so selfish that she would regularly betray someone that she claimed to love? She had always hated people who were unfaithful, and yet she had become one of them and didn't even have the decency to let one of them go.

She wanted both. She wanted it all.

And she was shit for it.

"I really hope that you don't break my heart, Emma Swan."

Emma hadn't expected her to say something like that though, and so she stared back at Regina with a perplexed expression as she attempted to make sense of a sentence that seemed to come out of nowhere. Did that mean that she believed her? That she wanted her again? Or did Regina think she might be lying to her still, manipulating her by using her feelings for Emma against her?

Was it even about their relationship at all, or was that just Regina's way of asking her not to disappoint her by doing something she could never come back from?

Regardless, Emma took all of those possibilities seriously and told her softly, truthfully, "Believe me, Regina, that is not my endgame here."

"And what is?" Regina asked, the corners of her eyes crinkling as she looked at Emma like she would love nothing more than to understand everything that she was. Maybe that was why Emma loved her; even in her darkest moments, Regina didn't try to change her, she merely tried to understand her. "Do you even know?"

"Of course I know. Just because I choose not to share my reasoning, doesn't mean that I don't have them."

"Your mysterious 'plan' was not all that I was asking about, dear."

Emma pursed her lips. No, she did not know her endgame there, and that was perhaps what made all of this so cruel for the both of them. "No," she admitted softly. "I… assumed we would both make our decisions once I finished what I came here to do and your memory was restored." Emma paused then, her eyes falling downcast for a moment as she softly shared, "Or, at least, that you would. I… may not have a second option anymore."

Regina's brow knit, and yet Emma did not elaborate on what she meant. She didn't know why she was telling Regina this; she was pretty certain that it was _wildly_ inappropriate to talk about your public relationship problems with the woman you're having a secret affair with, but Regina had always been the closest she ever had to a best friend. Besides, although Emma would never admit it out loud, being the Dark One was… lonely. Solitude was practical at the moment, yes, but that didn't mean that the human part of her didn't miss being around others. Talking. Sharing. Connecting.

"The pirate took your emotional manipulation and thievery badly? I'm shocked."

Although it was said with sarcasm, there wasn't much bite to it. Still, that didn't mean that the truth hurt any less. She had to do it that way though; she didn't have any other choice.

"He said he 'loved' me. Past tense. We have not… spoken since."

"He's hurt, Emma. I know you've been struggling with your humanity lately, but surely you remember what it feels like to have someone you love hurt you in that way," Regina told her, being… much more _neutral_ about the subject than Emma would have expected. "He knew that using loved in the past tense would hurt you, and he was correct, as here you stand before me in emotional turmoil over it. That doesn't make it true."

Regina had a point, but that didn't make it any easier for Emma. The problem was that, despite how much she loved Killian, she had to wonder if it was enough anymore. If she even _deserved_ him anymore, after all the pain that she caused him. At the end of the day, if she chose Killian over trying to pursue a relationship with Regina (that is, if she would even have her), what would she do about the fact that she had _multiple_ indiscretions behind his back? If she told him, he might leave her anyway, but if she didn't, then was a relationship without honesty even worth having in the first place?

Emma's eyes fell downcast and she took a small step backwards. "I shouldn't be talking about this with you. I'm sorry."

Regina exhaled a small breath, but did not contradict the assumption. Instead, she changed the subject. "I expect you to fix the damage you did to my home, you know." Emma nodded, expecting that. It would be easy anyhow; just a wave of her hand. Still, it was something Regina could do as well, but Emma understood the reasoning behind having her do it, as she was the one that destroyed it to begin with. "And I would… appreciate _space_ for a few days, if you're able to control your desire to throw a tantrum over it. It is most definitely still classified as a punishment for you because I will _not_ have you going around and thinking that hurting our son is ever anywhere close to the realm of acceptable, but it's also something that I think I need right now as well."

Emma shook her head. "No, I meant what I said when I told you that I had made an error in judgement. I'll deal with the chaos in my head alone; I'm too close to you, I care too much. I _need_ too much, and considering you don't even remember what we once were to one another, it's not fair to you. You don't remember signing up for this."

Regina pursed her lips, a wariness etched into her brow. "Emma, you told me yourself that you were concerned about what you would do if the chaos in your head caused you to become reckless. _I_ am now concerned for the same reasons. I understand that you're worried about blowing up again if I punish you for something you don't believe is justified, but I already told you there's a simple solution for that."

"There's not," Emma disagreed, knowing herself better than that. She had believed, before, that perhaps she could find another way to do what needed to be done, but the longer this went on the more she realized there truly was only one viable solution. "There's not, because I've realized you'll be unhappy with what I have to do. And I'm sorry, but you'll realize one day it was the only way. I hope you can forgive me."

Emma bowed her head in apology as she stepped away from Regina as she raised her hand in the air, her fingers up and wrist cocked. "Emma?" Regina asked warily before she realized she was about to be left there on that note and demanded harder, "Emma!"

But Emma just shot her an apologetic look, turned her hand in the air, and disappeared in a large cloud of black smoke.

[x]

Everything had fallen apart.

Emma had planned everything, right down to the last meticulous detail, and yet somehow she forgot about Killian's hook and the fact that it was enchanted. She didn't think they'd try to help one another. She didn't think Zelena was even _trustworthy_ enough to be a team player in anything, or that Killian would oblige her. Emma had miscalculated, and now both he and Zelena had escaped, trapped her, exposed the truth. Now, she had a family full of people who were upset that she never told them that she turned Killian into a Dark One, that she didn't ask for help, that she tried to murder Zelena in cold blood just to destroy the Darkness once and for all. Now, the man she loved hated her.

And Emma couldn't bare it.

Her humanity fought with her Darkness for control, and Emma didn't know if she wanted to take revenge on Zelena for exposing the truth to Killian, or just lay on the couch and cry over the terrible things the man had said to her not an hour previously. She was getting torn in two different directions, the vision of Rumple was in the corner, laughing at her, ("You're not going to take that from him, are you? You did him a favor, dearie, he _owes_ you, and now he has the nerve to pretend he doesn't need you? Oh, no, no, no…"), and Emma… Emma couldn't breathe.

"Shut _up!_ " she roared at the Rumpelstiltskin inside of her own head, the heels of her palm being placed over her eyes as she tried to block out the rest of the world. She wished she could blow something up, but the damn cuff on her wrist was suppressing her magic yet not her insanity. If anything, it was making it worse. It was trapped inside of her with no way to expel it, and it was making her insides burn as it tried to claw its way out of her.

"I didn't say anything, dear."

Emma opened her eyes and sat straight up on her couch, just staring at the woman who had just entered her home. She didn't think Regina would come back here; wasn't she supposed to be with the rest of the gang, at the Library as they tried to research their way out of the problem she herself had created? No invite, no trust. It hurt, but not as bad as what Killian had said to her, and thus she barely focused on the insult.

In the end, she knew she had given them no reason to trust her. She had tried to do this all on her own, and she had failed. Quite miserably, in fact.

Now they were all paying the price for it.

"You don't look well," Regina told her, which was probably the biggest understatement of the century. Emma felt like she was two seconds away from weeping as she curled into a tiny ball on the floor and God, that was pathetic, wasn't it? Some Dark One she turned out to be.

"I assumed you, like everyone else, didn't want to be around me," Emma responded, putting far too much effort into sounding indifferent to the matter. She didn't want Regina to know how badly she was hurting; to know that she was barely hanging on. "Why are you here?"

"I came to check up on you, although I'm sure others would prefer the term 'babysit'. You haven't exactly given any of us a good reason to leave you to your own devices anymore," Regina told her, slowly crossing the threshold to enter the parlor, where Emma still sat ridged, staring at her.

"How very far you've fallen," the image of Rumple taunted her, causing Emma's eyes to momentarily shift from Regina's form. "Both of your lovers no longer trust you, no longer believe in you. What are you going to do about it, dearie? Hmmm….? You had it all and now you have nothing. _What are you going to do about it?_ "

"I said shut _up!_ " Emma roared, grabbing a pillow off the couch and hurling it towards the direction of the Darkness. The image of Rumple just cackled impishly as the object went straight through him, hitting the wall. Emma wanted to scream. She wanted to cry. She wanted to rip the world apart and build it anew so that she could wash away her sins and replace them with something better. Something that didn't fall apart. Something that she couldn't _break._

The crease between Regina's eyebrows deepened at the outburst, and her eyes followed the direction of the pillow before landing back on Emma's form. She was breathing hard, her eyes wild and crazed. "The memories?" she inquired gently, but when she got no response Regina realized what it was. "No, that requires magic to work, doesn't it? So it's…" she trailed off though, her lips pursing into a tight line.

The blonde had mentioned seeing the Darkness as an incarnation of Rumple before, but had never really said much of anything outside of the fact that she didn't see him much when she was with Regina. When she was being controlled. In the end though, seeing the Darkness wasn't based in magic; it was just inside of her own head. It was her own special kind of crazy.

"Emma, how bad has it been lately?"

"It doesn't matter," Emma told her dismissively, her fingers rubbing her temples as she tried to ignore Rumple's cackling. "It's not your problem."

"You and I both know that it is."

Emma looked up at her, and hated how much she wished that she had never left her. That she had learned to take her punishments like a goddamn adult so she could still have been allotted the peace that the other woman provided her. Maybe then this wouldn't have happened; maybe then she would have been able to see the holes in her plan and formulated her tactics accordingly.

Maybe then she wouldn't feel like she was falling apart inside.

It was too much. The way Regina was looking at her, the weight in her chest, the screaming in her head. Emma hated appearing weak, but the times where she felt safe enough to let herself go were few and far between now, and being with Regina had become the only release for her emotions that she had ever _had_ as the Dark One. The human part of her reached for her, cried out to her, and although a hurricane raged within her Emma did not move, did not speak. The only thing she did was allow a singular tear to fall from her eye as she stared at Regina, silently begging for her to take her pain away.

And Regina obliged.

"What the _hell_ happened to you, Emma?" she breathed in horror, knowing that seeing a Dark One cry was such a rare occurrence that it meant something was seriously, seriously wrong. She crossed the parlor immediately, coming to sit next to the blonde as she grasped her hands in her own and encouraged Emma to meet her eyes. She looked so distressed, so _worried_ , that for a second Emma had hope that maybe she didn't hate her after all.

But Emma couldn't answer her. Regina reached up to touch her face then, her thumb wiping the trail of wetness from her cheek, and something inside of Emma broke completely in half. She inclined her head, eyes pinching tightly shut as she tried to fight off the wave of emotion that was threatening to devour her whole. _No._ More tears. _No._ A shuddered sob. _No!_

But she was wrapped in an embrace immediately, being pressed against warmth and light and everything that she no longer was, and the safety it allotted her allowed Emma to emotionally collapse. "Shhh, I've got you," Regina breathed, knowing exactly what Emma needed even without her memories. Maybe it was instinctual, maybe it was something else. Emma didn't care in that moment though; she was just thankful she was there. Regina was who she needed. _This_ was what she needed. "I've got you, Emma; you're safe…"

Regina had encouraged her to lie down, placing her head in the former Queen's lap as she stroked Emma's hair and whispered assurances that everything would be alright. That it was okay to cry. That it was okay to take a moment to breathe, to feel. "You were the Savior, dear," Regina reminded her softly, her nails raking gently against the blonde's scalp as she etched patterns that were all too familiar to Emma, yet should have been foreign to Regina. She didn't remember, and yet it was the same. It was comforting. It was sanity-saving. "The Darkness may have corrupted your soul, but it could have never taken you over completely. I think that's why you're struggling so much, Emma; that's why this hurts so badly. The goodness, the humanity inside of you… it was suffocating. That cuff on your wrist… I think it's finally allowing you to breathe."

Maybe she was right. Maybe the Darkness inside of her needed to be expelled in order to continue corrupting her; it needed to be used, it needed to win. But now it was trapped; trapped inside of her head, trapped inside of her _soul_ and the part of her that was being repressed before was now screaming for release and Emma… Emma didn't know how to stop it.

"It doesn't make you weak," Regina told her, voice barely above a soothing whisper as she knew instantly why Emma would detest such a reaction from herself. She was supposed to be the Dark One, and yet she was now in the fetal position on the couch with tears on her cheeks and an awful pain in her chest. "It just makes you human, and that means you can be saved."

"Do I even deserve to be saved?" Emma asked her, her voice breaking in her throat as she stared at the far wall, one of her arms wrapped tightly around the former Queen's legs. "What I did to Killian was… it was _selfish_. It was for myself, not for him. He asked me not to turn him into a Dark One and I… I did it anyway. I didn't even think twice about it."

"I felt _guilty_ and sick with myself and I tried to pretend I went against his wishes because I loved him, but if I really loved him then would I have done this to him?" Emma asked, feeling more tears well up in her eyes as she finally laid her horrible truth out to bear. "I think I did it because I felt like I owed him. I felt like I had betrayed him, and I didn't want him to die because of me. I couldn't have him sacrifice his life, while on a mission to _save_ me, when I couldn't even give him something as simple as my loyalty. It seemed…" Emma paused, swallowing hard as she finished in a broken tone, "It seemed to me like it was the most awful thing I could have ever done to him."

Regina was silent for a moment, taking all of that in while she continued to gently stroke Emma's hair. "…Do you regret it?" she asked finally, careful to not lace any kind of judgment in between her words.

Emma's lips pursed into a thin line as a flash of pain etched itself across her expression.

"Emma?"

"…I don't know." And, God, it hurt to admit something like that. It hurt because it meant some part of her _did_ while some part of her _didn't_ and either way you sliced it, it meant that there was a part of her that knew it might have been better if she just allowed Killian to die that day. That wasn't okay. That _wasn't_ okay, no matter what he wished for, wasn't it?

Emma didn't know anymore.

"He hates me for it though. That much was abundantly clear when he paid me a visit earlier."

Regina noticeably stiffened. "Hook was _here?_ " she asked, practically picking Emma off of her lap so she could look her in the eyes. But Emma didn't want that, she didn't want to move, she didn't want to let go of her. The sound that was exhaled was undeniably pathetic, and Regina's lips turned down into a frown as she asked her, "What do you need? What will make you feel comfortable?"

Emma knew she should feel ashamed of herself, but it seemed that perhaps she was just too emotionally exhausted to at this point. So instead she just slipped off the couch, kneeling at Regina's feet as she put her head on her lap once more. Regina softly bit her bottom lip, no doubt realizing now the extent of Emma's dependency on her while she was emotionally vulnerable, but she nodded her understanding all the same and gently tucked a fallen strand of hair behind the blonde's ear.

"Tell me what happened, pet," she softly encouraged.

 _Pet._ Emma had always enjoyed being called that by Regina, because it made her feel owned, which in turn made her feel safe. She couldn't screw anything up if someone else owned her, because she wouldn't be allowed to. She was safe from herself. Everyone else was safe from _her._

Emma visibly relaxed a little more, yet it didn't ward off the feeling of devastation that her heart held as she told her, "He came to gloat. Taunt me, or…" Emma began, her throat closing up in emotion as she struggled to continue. "Even with Darkness in his heart, I didn't believe he could be that cruel. He told me that I was nothing more than… than a pretty blonde _distraction_ to him. That I was so afraid of losing the people that I loved, that I pushed them away, and that was why I would—why I would always be nothing more than an orphan…"

"He said _what?_ " Regina raged, the fury that rose up in her so violent that it actually startled Emma into raising her head to look up at her.

"No, Regina, it's—it's not his fault, I know that; the Darkness—"

"No, it _is_ his fault," Regina told her strongly. "It is most _certainly_ his fault because that dirty, scheming pirate has had the Darkness in him since we came back from Camelot, and yet he did not act that way until he found out about it." Emma swallowed hard, realizing the truth in that. Realizing what it might mean. "He's using this newfound information as an _excuse_ to be deliberately cruel, to further justify whatever awful things he has wanted to do, yet tried to suppress so we could all believe he was some kind of better man now. _No,_ Emma, don't you ever make excuses for what he said to you. You have the Darkness in you too, and you and I both know you would never say those things to someone you claimed to love."

Angry tears burned the back of Emma's eyes, and she looked away from Regina as she snapped, "And your relationship is perfect? You still cheated on Robin, you know, so don't make it sound like I'm the only one who was trapped in something that might turn out to be nothing more than a mistake."

Regina pursed her lips, silent for a long moment. "I never said mine was perfect," she responded softly, finally. "Robin was never cruel to me, but perhaps… too nice. Too… bland. And I feel _awful_ for saying that, and I am still so very angry at you for making me try to formulate a reason or an excuse for the things you claimed I had done without giving me all of the pieces to form a whole, but believe me, I am aware that eventually some kind of choice will have to be made which is why I… asked Robin for some space."

Emma looked up at her, surprised. She honestly hadn't believed Regina would detach herself from Robin, even temporarily, until she got her memories back, and Hook had stolen them.

"I blamed it on Zelena and the baby," Regina admitted softly, sounding as though she loathed herself for that. "The complication in it all. The madness that we're all trapped in right now. He said he understood but I think… I believe he thinks I may be pulling away from him."

"Are you?"

Regina swallowed, and did not look Emma directly in the eyes. "I really don't know." It was closer to a yes than a no, and both of them knew that. Still, Regina continued. "I don't need to have my memories to know something has drastically changed between us, Emma." She looked down at the blonde at her feet then, who was still peering up at her. Curious. Almost hopeful. Mostly terrified. Emma hadn't been expecting this conversation, not this soon. "And I don't just mean with your conditioning, although it concerns me that it feels much more natural to me than it should, with the kind of person I am supposed to be now."

"Conditioning me doesn't make you a bad person, Regina. You never hurt me," Emma insisted, not wanting her to think that this was some kind of reversion to the Evil Queen. Emma had never been frightened of her.

"Perhaps not, but it still speaks to my desire to lord over people."

"Or to protect them," Emma reasoned softly, finally causing the brunette's eyes to meet her own. "From others. From themselves."

She had been volatile. _Dangerous_. Regina had helped keep her in check, and even if she _enjoyed_ doing so, it didn't make the help she gave her any less important or needed.

Regina smiled softly at her. "I appreciate you trying to only see the good in me, dear, but you and I both know that I am still a muddled mix of both."

"Yeah, well, I am _literally_ a mix of both right now, so much that everything inside of me feels like it's screaming and pulling and tearing me the fuck apart, so I _get_ it, Regina, I do," Emma assured her, her fingers curling as she looked up at her and gripped the other woman's thigh. For the first time, Emma realized how truly agonizing it must have been for Regina to fight with her own darkness, with her own awful urges. It made her respect the other woman's strength and resolve even more than she already had, and she desperately wished that right now, she could be more like her.

Regina looked down at her for a long moment, a small sigh escaping her lips before she finally reached out, covering Emma's hand with her own. "What happens to us," she asked softly, "once this is all over? Once we pull the Darkness from you?"

"You still believe you can?"

"In case you've forgotten, dear, it was _you_ who told me to never give up hope. Many times, if I'm not mistaken."

"But what if you can't?" Emma asked softly, turning her hand over in the brunette's lap as she gently allowed their fingers to tangle together. It was more intimate than she believed she would ever be with Regina without the other woman having her memories, but Regina didn't pull away from it. Instead, she just tightened her grip on her hand. She _wanted_ to be with her in this way, and even if it was just for one, fleeting moment, Emma desperately indulged in the closeness. "Would it change the way you looked at me?"

"Of course not," Regina almost sighed, as though it was ridiculous that Emma even ask such a question. "You're still you, Emma, no matter how lost you may have become. If you tried, honestly _tried_ , then that would be enough for me. I know how difficult it is to change, but I do have faith in you."

The pit of Emma's stomach swirled with an emotion she once believed to be lost to her, and she squeezed the former Queen's hand as an acknowledgement. A thank you.

"You can't do it on your own though," Regina gently reminded her. "The events of the last few weeks have made that abundantly clear. But I didn't do it on my own either, so please don't ever believe for a second that asking for help makes you weak, Emma. It doesn't, and there are so many people here that _want_ to help you. And remember, this is coming from the woman whose sister you just tried to murder two days ago. That was thus the far the worst of your transgressions, as murder is very hard to come back from, dear. Trust me, I know this more than most."

"You would have been better off," Emma insisted, needing Regina to realize that. She certainly wasn't trying to hurt her by ridding that woman from Regina's life. "All Zelena has ever done is cause you pain, and I was just trying to—"

" _Emma._ "

Emma cut herself off, the way Regina was looking at her causing shame to creep up the back of her neck as she looked away from her. "I'm sorry," she apologized, realizing that her making excuses or trying to justify it wasn't making anything better. In the end, she had tried to kill someone; whether her intentions were good or not, that certainly wasn't what _moral_ people did.

Silence weighed heavy between them both.

"I don't want you to become like me," Regina finally told her, voice barely above a whisper and laced with so much self-loathing over her past, over what she had done. "Please, Emma, don't become like me. Especially because the only reason you're like this is…" Regina's eyes crinkled in distress, her throat constricting around her vocal cords as she finished, "because you were trying to _save_ me."

"Regina, I would do it again and you—you _know_ that," Emma told her strongly, remembering how horrified and frightened she was as the Darkness had begun to envelop Regina on the street. There was never a question, never a thought of sacrificing her. Taking the Darkness into herself was the only way. "Regina, no matter what this does to me, no matter what happens now, I would _always_ do it again. Don't ever feel guilty for what I did, because this is what I _chose._ This is what I would always choose."

It was probably the most honest, _real_ thing that Emma had ever voiced since becoming the Dark One, and it showed. She may have been in a constant battle between her humanity and her Darkness ever since this began but now, in this moment, it was clear which one had won. Even if it was temporary, even if this feeling wouldn't last, it was there now, and it was the most human thing Emma believed she had ever felt, because she had never felt more grounded in who she was than when she looked into Regina's eyes.

The other woman's expression crumpled with emotion at those words, the truth in them impacting her quite catastrophically as Regina threw everything else away in that moment and breathed, "…Damnit. Get up. Get up here." She gently encouraged Emma to her feet, pulling her towards her with glassy eyes and uneven breaths as she whispered, "Come here," as she brought the blonde onto her lap with Emma's face in her hands and a purpose in her eyes. It seemed she couldn't bear it anymore.

And neither could Emma.

Their lips connected, and Emma's eyes fell closed as all the anguish in her seemed to melt away from just one, singular touch. She grasped for her, the kiss becoming more desperate as Emma briefly feared that maybe Regina was just emotional due to what she had said, and would soon realize that she made a mistake. But Regina wasn't stopping; her fingertips were curling around the back of her head and her tongue was in her mouth and all Emma could do was realize with such blinding, agonizing clarity that this is where she belonged. That this, more than anything else in her life, felt real. Felt _honest._

Regina didn't shy away from touching her because of what she looked like now, or what she had done. There was no fear, no disgust, no hesitation at all. Still, being this way, _now_ , did not feel right to Emma. Even when they had come together in the past, Emma had still looked like herself, as she hadn't allowed the Darkness to take full control of her yet. It had now though, and Emma looked _different_ , and as she knew Regina didn't even remember a time when they were intimate that she did look like herself, Emma didn't want the other woman to look back at this moment and remember their 'first' kiss this way. It wasn't fair to her.

"Change me back," Emma begged breathlessly against the other woman's lips. "I can't—the cuff. I just want—I want to look normal for you. Please."

"You are normal to me," Regina told her strongly as she broke another kiss to look up into the other woman's eyes, not allowing herself or even Emma to separate the blonde into 'normal' and 'wrong' just because of how she may look in that moment. "Don't ever think you're not. You're _you_ , Emma; how you present yourself, whatever else may be inside you… nothing will ever change that."

And Emma, who had always craved acceptance of who she was ever since she was a little girl, realized that for the first time she truly had it unconditionally, and smiled.

The gesture was returned in kind, Regina's palm cupping her cheek as she looked into her eyes. "I think that's the only time I've seen you smile since… what happened," she breathed, almost in awe by the change it seemed to instill in the woman atop her. She looked like a totally different person than who she had seen these past couple weeks. "And maybe it's not, maybe I just can't remember but it's… beautiful. You are so very beautiful, Emma."

The human part in Emma wanted to cry at that, as she hadn't felt very beautiful in a very long time, but thankfully she still had enough control that she did not. Regina allowed the moment to pass anyway though and smirked, downplaying the intensity of what she said before as her hands found Emma's hair, beginning to pull it from its tight confines. "But that doesn't mean I still don't like something to grab on to."

Regina undid the other woman's plaited bun as Emma chuckled softly, allowing the woman to destroy all of her defenses, all of her illusions of control, before leaning back her head and shaking out her hair. And when she looked back down at the woman beneath her, wavy alabaster strands falling in front of her eyes, she watched Regina's eyes darken in need as she ran her fingers through it, ending in a closed fist as the blonde's eyes fell closed at the feeling.

"Regina…" she breathed softly, and then Regina _pulled._ Emma's breath hitched in her throat as the other woman's mouth covered her jugular, and suddenly all of the weight Emma had on her shoulders seemed to melt away under Regina's possessive touch. She exhaled a breathy moan, her fingers curling around the back of the other woman's neck as she encouraged her to continue.

Regina's mouth left her neck, her lips finding the underside of her jaw, her cheek, before once more pressing a deep kiss against her lips. Emma's breathing was beginning to get a little labored, the familiar heat that only Regina could elicit from her beginning to brew deep in her abdomen as she plunged her tongue into her mouth and tasted what she had once believed was lost to her. She grasped for her, wanting more than anything to strip Regina of her confines and feel her skin against her own, but she also didn't want to push. Emma didn't know what this was, or what it could be, or what it even meant, and therefore the confidence she used to have when she came together with Regina in this way waned, leaving nothing but uncertainty and nerves in its wake.

But it seemed Regina planned to take the lead anyhow, and as she began pulling off Emma's leathers, the blonde questioned through heavy breaths, "…Are you sure?"

"I'm not sure of anything when it comes to you," Regina breathed against her lips as she rid Emma of her jacket, her hands finding their home underneath the tight black tank top that the blonde wore underneath. "Being sure of things has never worked out for me, so maybe it's time I start taking a risk."

Emma understood what she meant. Even though it was still an emotional risk for her to accept Robin into her heart before, at the end of the day he was still someone who was supposed to be 'predestined' for her. She still had that safety, that guarantee. But in the end, where did that get her? She still ended up cheating on him, still seemingly ended up unsatisfied with what was supposed to be her Happy Ending, and now here they both were. And maybe it was just because both of them had the tendency to self-sabotage, but either way perhaps that was what made them right for one another. Maybe they needed someone like themselves to finally have someone who understood them wholly, truly.

The darkness and the light. The good and the bad.

They undressed one another frantically, pulling desperately at articles of clothing until Regina finally seemed to get impatient, and with a wave of her hand just made them disappear altogether. Emma laughed softly against her lips as she encouraged Regina to lie down on the couch before crawling over her body. "I'm glad you did that," she told her, her voice labored with lust as she looked down at the beautiful woman beneath her. "Because I was getting frustrated that I couldn't."

"I noticed," Regina responded, a smirk playing on the edge of her lips before she reached up, running her fingers through the other woman's hair before cupping the back of her neck, bringing Emma closer to her. "Now come here and show me what it is I wish I could remember."

Emma did not need to be told twice.

Her lips covered the brunette's neck, her collar bone, her chest. Regina was breathing heavily, the anticipation causing her nipples to ache and strain as her fingernails etched impatient patterns against the other woman's skin. Emma wanted to take her time, wanted to show Regina in vivid detail everything that she couldn't yet remember, but at the end of the day, she knew she didn't have that long. As it was, she still was unsure when everyone was returning from their little research outing, and since she didn't have access to her magic anymore, she couldn't put her wards up to keep them out. So instead she wrapped her mouth around one of Regina's taut nipples, sucking it deep into her mouth as her hand found its way southward.

Regina moaned, her eyes falling closed as her back arched and her hand tangled in wavy locks, fingernails scraping helplessly against the other woman's scalp as Emma's hand got lost between her legs. Regina was _wet,_ and a self-satisfied smirk crept into the blonde woman's features as she looked down at the queen beneath her, remembering how powerful it felt to reduce the strongest woman she had ever met into a soaked, quivering mess. As the Dark One, Emma knew the allure of chasing power, but _this…_ this was beyond anything else. This was beyond having all of the power in the seven realms. This is was beyond everything she had ever known, and Emma reveled in it.

"Oh, don't get cocky," Regina exhaled with a heavy eyeroll once she caught the look on Emma's face, and the woman atop her laughed at Regina's huffy attitude about it.

"Believe me, Your Majesty," Emma breathed as she hovered over the brunette's lips teasingly, two fingers slipping easily inside of her. Regina's breath hitched in her throat, her hand reaching for Emma's wrist as she tightened her grip encouragingly. "What I was thinking about was more complimentary than conceited."

"Oh, 'Your Majesty' now, is it…?" Regina breathed heavily before her mouth dropped in a silent 'Oh', Emma having slowly picked up the pace of her thrusts. She was enjoying watching the expressions on Regina's face, which is why she didn't just barrel in head first, but slowly built up a rhythm instead. It was intoxicating to watch her.

"I know you're not a Queen anymore," Emma told her softly, her gaze finding her eyes, her lips, then back up again. "But I do find something _very_ hot in being one of your loyal subjects. Is that alright?" She had asked Regina this once before, but since she did not remember, Emma wanted to do it again. Her thoughts on the form of address may have changed after all.

But it seems it didn't, as Regina merely smirked, reaching up to gently tuck a strand of hair away from the other woman's eyes. "Something tells me you already know that it is, pet." Emma bit down on her bottom lip at that and smiled at the form of address, before leaning in and pressing her lips against Regina's.

"God, that is sexy," Emma breathed, falling completely into her as she curled her fingers upwards, using the back of her thigh as leverage as she began to fuck Regina deeper, harder, faster. Regina exhaled a loud moan, throwing an arm around the woman atop her to tangle her hand in her hair before grasping desperately onto the back of her neck, pulling Emma back down towards her so that every wanton breath was exhaled against the blonde's lips.

"Fuck," she panted, her eyes opening momentarily to catch the other woman's admiring gaze. Emma couldn't take her eyes off of her, for fear that if she did, she may find this to be just a very vivid dream. " _Fuck,_ Emma…"

She brought their lips together again, kissing the Dark One hungrily, desperately, as one of her hands began to snake between their bodies. Emma exhaled a soft moan once Regina found her destination, but as much as she wanted reciprocation, she also wanted the other woman to just lie back and enjoy what she was being given. "Regina, you don't have to—"

"You know we don't have a lot of time," Regina exhaled heavily against the skin of her neck as she kissed her once, twice, before tracing the shell of Emma's ear with her tongue. And that was true; it was probably already so incredibly selfish that they were wasting time doing _this_ while Killian was threatening to bring the entire world down around them, and yet since neither of them had a great track record of making good decisions in their lives, here they were. "So just shut up and let me do this. I _want_ to do this."

Emma hastily nodded, not one to argue when a woman's hand was already between her legs. Regina's fingers parted, sliding the blonde's soaked clit between them before closing them and putting direct pressure on it, causing a breathy moan to fall from the Dark One's lips as she spread her legs further and pushed her hips into Regina's hand. " _Fuck…_ I've missed the way you touch me," Emma groaned, gently placing her forehead against the other woman's.

"I wish I could remember how I touched you…"

"I'll get your memories back," Emma promised her strongly, the words coming out between breathy moans as she pushed her fingers deeper into the woman beneath her, causing Regina to exhale a deep groan as she pinched the blonde's clit between her fingers. "I promise, I fucking _promise_ you, Regina…"

"I know," Regina breathed, believing her without a second thought before she reached for her once more, pulling the other woman into a deep kiss. Emma bit down lightly on her bottom lip before taking it entirely into her mouth and sucking, allowing it snap back into place with a light pop. Regina arched beneath her, fingers grasping for purchase as the feelings Emma was allotting her began to build up deep within her. "God, don't stop…" Regina begged breathlessly, tiny beads of sweat beginning to litter her brow as her chest flushed a deep rose. "Don't stop…"

Emma twisted her fingers deep inside of her, watching the pleasure etch itself across Regina's expression as her breathing began to grow more labored, more frantic, as she began to reach the peak that Emma knew all too well by now. It was then that she chose to slip her thumb over the other woman's aching nub, the added sensation becoming just enough that suddenly Regina was grasping for her, praising her, _coming_ for her. It was by far the sexiest thing Emma had ever witnessed, and her own hips pressed deeper into the brunette's hand, reaching desperately for the same outcome before she, too, ended up collapsing in the wake of their shared pleasure.

They were breathing heavily, one on top of the other, their bodies sticky with perspiration. Regina's hand was weaved in her hair, her lips pursed into a tight line as she looked up at the ceiling. Emma bit softly on her bottom lip as she looked down at her asking, "…Are you alright?"

Even though she had asked for 'space' from Robin, the reality of what they had done still may not have sat well with Regina, and that was what Emma was concerned about. She knew how awful it felt to knowingly and willingly betray someone that you love, but for Emma, now… well, it wasn't as though Killian seemed interested in having any kind of relationship with her anymore. He was deliberately cruel to her, told her that he hated her, and although it had hurt beyond anything else and although it had broken her heart, in a way it justified being with Regina now.

But Robin didn't do anything like that. He probably still wanted to _be_ with Regina, and yet here she lied naked beneath the Dark One.

"…Yes," Regina finally said softly, almost wistfully. "But I think that may be what's concerning me the most."

Emma understood what she meant.

"I know it's a lot," she told her, placing her chin on Regina's shoulder. "I think the two of us together have always been a lot though, no matter how we felt about one another. We're…"

"Explosive, I believe is the word you're looking for."

"Mm," Emma murmured in agreement. Explosive was apt; whether they were fighting or fucking, they certainly did both with a bang. She squinted a little as she took in the expression on Regina's face, unsure how to read it. "You don't have to decide what you want right now, you know."

Regina exhaled a long breath, finally turning to look at her. "I know," she told her softly. "Besides, what to do about us pales in comparison to what's going on right now. It's bad enough we chose to indulge in _this_ instead of being out there with everyone else, trying to solve the problem. It was a selfish decision."

"We just got caught up in the moment. Besides, if whatever Killian is planning to do kills us all, then I'm actually _very_ glad we did this."

"Your optimism is inspiring, dear," Regina responded flatly, causing the corners of Emma's lips to upturn into a tiny smirk. Optimism was her mother's thing, not hers. Still, as she looked down at the woman beneath her, she found herself hoping that they both got through this, because she realized quite suddenly that she could never imagine her world without Regina at the center of it.

[x]

 _Me._

Emma knew that one word had never cut the former Queen so deeply, and she watched Regina inhale a sharp breath as she stared at the woman across from her, no doubt unable to accept her decision as final, or even feasibly _viable_ , given who and what Emma was now.

"No," Regina told her, her eyes wild and frantic as she looked at Emma like she couldn't fathom the words she was saying to her, as self-sacrifice had never exactly been part of the Dark One's repertoire. The _Savior's_ surely, and Emma herself wondered how the Darkness' inherent need for self-preservation hadn't revolted substantially at the idea, but maybe the Light in her was stronger than she thought. She could hear the screams of protest in the back of her mind but they were dim; an echo. " _No_ , Emma, that's—!"

"The only way," Emma told her solemnly, regrettably. It was either sacrifice herself, or watch her entire family die. There wasn't a third option, and Emma wasn't going to watch everyone she loved die, let alone subject the world to a horde of Dark Ones, just because of the mistake that _she_ had made.

Regina had to understand that, no matter how hard a pill it may be to swallow.

But even if she did understand it, it seemed she certainly didn't agree with it. "It's not," Regina insisted, despite them both knowing that she didn't have an alternative either. "Emma, it's _not._ I don't care what you believe; we will find another way!"

Emma could see the desperation etched into the creases around the other woman's eyes, and her stomach tightened uncomfortably in her gut. She hated doing this to her, but Regina was the only person she could trust to help her. Back in the Enchanted Forest she had made a promise to her, and now she needed Regina to honor it, no matter how difficult or heartbreaking it may be.

"We don't have time," Emma gently reminded her. They had less than twelve hours, and _Snow White_ had already thrown in the towel. Considering Emma's mother had always been a ray of optimism and hope, that disturbed Emma greatly, and furthered her theory that there really was no other way than this. "Regina… I know there isn't a part of you that will allow me to sacrifice myself for you, but this isn't just about you. This is about Henry. This is about our _son._ "

At the mention of Henry's name, Emma knew she had her. At the end of the day, they would both do anything to save their son, and if this was the only way to stop Henry from dying, then both she and Emma knew that she would do it.

It would hurt. It would absolutely shred her to pieces and back again, but Regina would do it. Every single time.

Regina crossed the distance between them then, her hands grasping for purchase as she sought to have the other woman close to her for what may very well be the last time. Her forehead lightly resting against Emma's, Regina's eyes closed in distress. "Damnit, you can't _do_ this," she breathed sadly, despite her tone sounding so very helpless and small. She knew she had lost this battle, and it was killing her inside. "I remember now; I remember it all, and—"

"I know," Emma whispered, reaching up to gently caress the side of the brunette's face. She remembered the look Regina had given her when she had gotten her memories back; she knew that it meant that they had a lot to talk about, a lot to decide. Now though, it seems the decision no longer mattered, as Emma wouldn't be around long enough to find out who it was that Regina chose. "I'm so sorry, Regina; this isn't how I wanted things to end."

" _Idiot,_ " Regina breathed sadly, but the word didn't hold bite to it. She placed her hand over the one resting on her cheek, turning her head to kiss Emma's palm before her lips ultimately found the blonde's. They hadn't had a chance to be alone since Regina had gotten her memories back, and while Regina's vault wasn't the most private place in the world considering Snow, David, Neal, and Henry were there not more than a couple minutes ago, they both seemed to not much care about getting caught considering that this might be their last chance to be close to one another in this way.

The blonde's cheeks were still wet with tears, and Regina finally lost the last of her control as her own fell down her cheeks in lines. Both women ignored them though, focusing instead on the feeling of immersing themselves in one another one last time as Emma pushed Regina up against the vault wall, and Regina hastily tangled her fingers in her hair. Unfortunately, however, the moment did not last very long.

"—Oh!"

The two women untangled themselves immediately, whipping around to see Snow standing in the doorway of the vault, her eyes as wide as saucers as she slowly reached forward, grabbing Neal's baby blanket that she seemed to have left behind as a silent reason for her return. "I… um. Realized I forgot Neal's— I'm… I'm sorry, I'll leave, I really didn't mean to—" the woman stumbled as she turned around, clearly unsure how to react to seeing her daughter and former enemy locked in an embrace, _especially_ when they both had other respective lovers.

Suddenly, both of them seemed to wish that they _had_ cared about the possibility of being seen, because it could bear disastrous consequences.

"Snow."

The word was desperate, pleading, and Snow stopped her haste to leave as quickly as possible as she looked at Regina, who was begging her with her eyes. "Please don't tell Robin. _Please._ " The possibility that Snow might looked like it may very well break her, and Emma wrapped a comforting hand around the other woman's forearm as she stood practically pressed against her. There was no use hiding that they were 'closer' now anyhow; her mother had seen it already with her own two eyes, and so she hoped her proximity would allow Regina a feeling of safety.

"Don't tell _anyone_ ," Emma asked of her instead as she hastily wiped the remnants of her sorrow off her cheeks, her own voice just as pleading despite the Darkness inside of her demanding that she threaten her, _hurt_ her, in order to protect herself and Regina. "If it gets back to Killian, things will be… so much worse. He already feels as though I've betrayed his trust, and he doesn't need any more reasons to hate me. Please, Mom."

Snow pursed her lips briefly, her brow creasing in sympathy and understanding. "I know that… facing death can be very eye-opening sometimes," she told them both as she bundled the baby blanket close to her chest, trying not to judge what it was she just walked in on, considering the circumstances. "I'm just sorry it took something like this to realize the extent of your feelings for one another. I'm also sorry that other people may end up getting hurt by this, should by some miracle we actually come out on the other side of this. Just please think of the consequences of your actions. Both of you. That's all I'm asking, and in return you have my word that I won't say anything; not even to David."

Emma wanted to tell her that there wasn't any point; that either she or Regina was going to die today, and so the likelihood of this relationship flourishing into anything that needed to be truly addressed was slim to none. But she couldn't do that. She couldn't watch the look on her mother's face should she know that it was either her life or her daughter's, and so all Emma could do was gently weave her fingers in between Regina's as she softly promised her mother, "…We will."

[x]

At first, Emma just cried. Then, she _raged._

Humanity, it seemed, could be just as destructive as the Darkness. Emma screamed until her lungs felt like they would burst, her hands picking up anything she could find before she threw it, broke it, destroyed it. Her magic – _her_ magic, which was supposed to be made of light and goodness and everything in between – still was so deeply tied to her emotions that the beams of her house cracked and groaned as Emma tore at the foundation, forgetting for a moment that she wasn't alone, that no one _allowed_ her to be truly alone after what had happened, no doubt because they feared something like _this_ would happen.

Snow and David ran into her room in a panic, pleading with her to calm down, that it was _okay_ when nothing was fucking okay at all, before Snow desperately reached for her phone and frantically called the one person she believed might actually be able to help.

Regina appeared between Emma and her parents in a puff of purple smoke, but Emma barely even registered that she was there as she allowed her sorrow and self-hatred consume her whole. "Get out!" Regina ordered them, knowing that neither Snow nor David would be able to handle Emma like this. "I'll handle her; get out!"

Regina didn't wait for an answer from them though before she waved her hand, magically teleporting the blonde's parents away from the volatile situation. "Emma!" Regina tried desperately, trying to steady herself as the house quaked beneath her feet. "Emma, _stop this!_ You'll kill us both!"

But Emma couldn't hear her. She was too wrapped up in her rage, her grief, her blame, and nothing felt real anymore. The first time she realized she wasn't actually alone was when her knees hit the wood flooring due to a choice not her own, her hands being magically bound behind her back. The house immediately stopped shaking.

" _Calm yourself,_ " Regina demanded as she stepped in front of her and weaved her hand through the blonde's hair; pulling it, holding it, as she forced Emma's attention on her, and not on her own consuming emotions. It was then that Emma noticed the other woman looked a little uncomfortable about having to do this when she wasn't the Dark One any longer, but as it was the only way she knew how to calm Emma down, it was instinctual.

"Breathe," Regina coaxed her softly, finally seeing the recognition in the blonde's eyes as she unbound her knees, yet not her hands, apparently still a little wary of what she would do if she was able to channel her magic through them. Emma stayed in a knelt position though as she finally allowed herself to come back to reality, listening to Regina tell her, "Close your eyes. Count your breaths. Do as I say, pet, and I promise it'll get better. You know that I would never lie to you. Not anymore."

No, maybe not, but she definitely didn't understand how this felt either.

Knowing Regina was there though caused Emma's anger to lay waste to devastation as she exhaled a shuddered sob, her eyes falling closed as she leaned her head against Regina's legs in a silent plea for her to calm her, to control, to make this _better_. She didn't care that she wasn't the Dark One anymore, she didn't care that her surrendering herself to Regina could be considered strange now that she wasn't an all-powerful, unchecked force of destruction, because in the end, this might be the only thing that had ever allotted her true peace.

"I know this is hard," Regina breathed, gently raking her nails over the other woman's scalp in a sympathetic manner. "I know you feel guilty, but this isn't your fault, Emma."

Emma tried to open her mouth to respond, but the grip on her hair tightened to the point that it bordered briefly on painful, and Regina gently reminded her, "I haven't said you can speak yet. _Listen_ , please."

It was so much more gentle than the demands Regina used to bark at her when she was consumed with Darkness, and it was obvious that was because their situation had changed. Still, although Regina wasn't entirely comfortable in this role anymore, she could still see that Emma needed it, _begged_ for it, and so she obliged despite her own hesitations. Emma was immensely thankful for it, because ever since it happened, all it seemed she could do anymore was cry and scream. She hated herself, she hated the world, and she couldn't bare it. She needed Regina to take her pain away.

But, perhaps, even that was too much to ask. In the end, Regina was still human, just as she was. There were no miracles here.

But that didn't mean that Regina didn't still try. "I understand why this hurts the way that it does," she told Emma softly, back to gently grooming the other woman as silent tears ran down the pained expression on the blonde's face. "Hook sacrificed himself to save us, to save _you_ most of all, and yet you feel guilty because of… because of _us._ I understand that, because I feel guilty too. I know it's not the same, as what you shared with him was—at one point, it was good. It made you happy. And even though things may have changed, you're afraid that he sacrificed himself for a love that wasn't as real as he believed it to be. You feel like you lied to him, don't you? That you lied to him… and it cost him his life."

Emma exhaled a loud, broken sob at those words being spoken out loud, and she nodded as she slumped forward with her head bowed, feeling like her emotions were weighing heavy within her. She felt her hands finally unbind, but Emma didn't move to resituate herself. She didn't want to move. She didn't think she could even if she wanted to. So instead of wiping the tears from her eyes, she allowed them to fall down the curvature of her nose before splashing on the floor in front of Regina's shoes.

Regina's lips pursed in a sympathetic line then, and she did something she had never done before when Emma was on her knees, and sunk down to her level. Emma raised her head in surprise at that, and the corners of Regina's eyes crinkled in distress as she reached out to gently wipe the tears from Emma's face.

"It's not your fault, Emma," Regina repeated softly, her fingers pushing back the hair from her eyes so she could meet her gaze. "Hook _chose_ this. As much as it was for you, it was also for him; he was finally choosing the man he wanted to be. He wanted to die a hero, and while I know that it's— _so_ difficult to accept right now, you know in your heart that you have to."

Because they both knew what had happened the first time Emma couldn't accept Killian's untimely demise, and she couldn't do that again. She couldn't do something impulsive and rash due to her own guilt, because it bore the chance of almost destroying everything. She had to let Killian go this time, Emma knew that, and that was why this was so devastatingly hard.

"I know that you blame yourself, that you hate yourself, but that's because you still care for him, Emma, so you didn't lie to him," Regina continued, needing the other woman to stop shelving all of the blame on her shoulders. "Not about that."

Emma swallowed hard, her gaze finding the floor once more as she allowed Regina's words to wash over her. "You can speak now," Regina softly finished, clearly unsure whether Emma was silent due to the lack of permission, or because she didn't know what to say. It was honestly a mixture of both.

It was a long time until Emma spoke, and when she did it was to the ground. "There's a part of me that's glad he died before he found out about—about _us,_ " she struggled to say, the very words causing a sickness to tighten in her stomach. "It would have devastated him, but that's—that's _fucked_ , isn't it? I feel selfish for even thinking it; like some part of me is relieved I don't have to tell him…"

"Not wishing to emotionally hurt him isn't selfish, Emma," Regina tried to tell her, gently placing her hand over Emma's, which had landed on her knee. "And I think that's why you're relieved; not because it frees you from having to deal with the backlash, but because he died without ever having to experience that pain. That's not selfish, dear; that's so very far from it."

"And believe me," Regina continued, her voice beginning to constrict a little in her throat as her eyes began to get a little glassy, "Hurting someone in that way is… _horrible._ I had always believed there was something freeing in confession and therefore hurting someone else to relieve yourself from your own guilt was inherently selfish. Because of that, I always kept my secrets close to me, but trust me, dear, there is _nothing_ freeing in admitting to someone that you knowingly and consciously betrayed them."

Emma looked up at her sharply, realizing what it was that Regina meant by that. She hadn't believed she'd talk to Robin; at least not this soon. Everything was still so fresh. Everything was still a complete mess, _she_ was a complete mess, so why…?

"I didn't want to tell him," Regina admitted softly, sounding as though she was unsure if that meant she was selfish or not anymore. "I couldn't bear hurting him with the truth when he had done nothing to deserve that sort of pain, and yet I worried what would happen should he find out from a third party. If Snow told David after all, or if someone else saw us together again and told him. That would have been worse, and so in a way I told him to spare him, but I wish…" More tears welled up in Regina's eyes then, overflowing until they fell down her angular cheeks. "I wish I wasn't the one who caused his broken heart. It makes me wonder if I'm really a good person after all."

"Yeah," Emma breathed softly, understanding that more than most as she finally found her way out of her own pain, even momentarily, to focus on Regina's. Reaching up, she softly mirrored what the brunette had done to her, and wiped the tears from her face. "I know the feeling." She was surprised though, that Regina had been honest with Robin so early, and so she couldn't help but ask curiously, "…What did you tell him?"

Regina inhaled a shuddered breath as she tried to get her emotions under control. "The truth, more or less," she breathed sadly. "I told him that I realized that I had feelings for you. He… asked if I had acted on said feelings, and I said yes. I didn't elaborate, and thankfully he did not ask. _God,_ Emma, the look on his face…" Regina trailed off, swallowing the lump in her throat as she tangled their fingers together and squeezed her hand, needing the comfort, the assurance that she wasn't alone in being an awful person.

"I understand why you hate yourself," Regina continued instead, unable to finish what had transpired between her and Robin. Emma could guess that it wasn't good though, and therefore didn't push. "I hate myself for it too. This isn't the most romantic or beautiful beginning of a romance, and because of that I fear that it's always going to be tainted. I know it's human to be imperfect, and to be impulsive and selfish at times, but I don't think this is who either of us wanted to be. So right now I'm struggling with whether or not we accept that this may just be who we _are_ , or we strive to be something different. Someone better."

Which probably meant that they would go their separate ways, and try to find their second chance with someone else in a healthier, less messy, and completely _un_ selfish way. Maybe it would be better after all, to start a relationship on a good note instead of… whatever this was supposed to be.

So Emma swallowed, unsure how to answer at first. Instead she just turned Regina's hand over in her own, her gaze on their linked fingers as she felt the warmth and closeness of the woman she had betrayed the notion of 'True Love' for.

And it was then that she realized quite suddenly that she would do it all again, if _this_ was the only way she would ever be able to have Regina. No matter how awful, no matter how selfish, if this was the only path that took her to Regina, then Emma knew she would walk it every single time.

"Good and bad, light and dark, heroes and villains…" Emma began softly, almost distractedly as she continued to stare at their linked hands for a good long while. Her voice still sounded strained, still sounded choked up in the back of her throat, but she pushed on regardless, needing to voice how she felt. "It's all bullshit, isn't it? No one's one or another, the two of us most of all, and I hate how much of your world's black and white thinking spilled over into this one's. This town's desire to put people into little labeled boxes suffocates people, Regina. It fucking suffocates all of us."

"I don't want to have to live my life trying to figure out which box I fit into," Emma continued, her voice growing a little stronger now as she looked up at Regina, catching her gaze. "Fuck the box. Maybe we're both good and bad people at the same time, and maybe that's okay. Maybe that's _human._ And maybe it's human to try to categorize things into groups so that they make more sense and you know what to expect, but life is so… it's so out of fucking control because of us, because of _people_ , so in the end, what's the point? Why bother trying to control something that has no rhyme or reason to it?"

"I suppose it has something to do with the peace that assurances give them, dear… or are you going to pretend you don't know that first hand?" Regina responded softly, reminding Emma that she, too, sometimes needed the safety of assurances. When she submitted, Emma trusted Regina to keep her safe because she could not trust herself, and felt so very out of control.

In the end, it bore the same result as those trying to make sense of _their_ world by controlling how they viewed the people in it. And while maybe that worked for some people, that didn't work for Emma, and she was fairly certain it didn't work for Regina either. They weren't black or white, good nor bad. They had been both, they _were_ both now, in this very moment, and maybe it wasn't perfect, but it was human.

They were both flawed, and so very, very human.

"I'm not going to pretend I don't get it, but that doesn't mean we have to subscribe to it," Emma told her, catching Regina's gaze once more as she looked at her with emotion swimming behind her light eyes. She was still so terribly devastated by what had transpired, but she also knew she couldn't let it consume her. She couldn't lose herself to this pain. "I feel like all it's going to do is make us hate ourselves more if we try to fit ourselves into these preconceived boxes, without ever considering that maybe we're already where we're supposed to be."

"So you're saying we should accept this?" Regina asked softly, needing this peace just as much as Emma did in that moment. "That we should accept that perhaps we aren't good people after all?"

"I'm saying that maybe we should accept that we aren't wholly good, just as much as we aren't wholly bad," Emma responded, knowing that this might be the only way that they could live with what they had done, with who they had hurt. "I think, personally, that's the only way I'll ever survive this. And I know it won't be easy, I know I'm saying this while feeling something else completely, and I know it's not fair to ask you to be by my side during all of this when I'm grieving for someone that I loved that deeply. It's going to be messy and it's going to be painful, and I'm probably going to hate myself a fair amount of the time before I finally _feel_ the acceptance I'm proposing we attempt, but—"

"You're not the only one grieving for a love lost, dear," Regina gently interrupted, needing her to realize that while Emma had lost someone, so had she. And yes, Killian's death was far more permanent and awful than her break up with Robin, but Regina needed her to realize that she was still in pain too. Emma understood that, just as much as she understood that Regina wasn't trying to overshadow Killian's death by saying that, nor trying to diminish Emma's pain by telling her that she was hurting too. She just wanted her to understand that she wasn't alone, and Emma appreciated that, because she had felt so very alone before. "And I'm not going anywhere."

Emma leaned forward at those words, wrapping her arms around Regina's form as she held onto her, burying her face in the former queen's neck. She felt Regina's arms snake around her waist and as she held her close and Emma felt the safety in her embrace, she breathed out her gratitude with two little words that were far too simple to encompass the emotion that she felt then. "Thank you…"

Emma could feel Regina smile gently against her skin, one of her hands running up her back to tangle in her hair as she encouraged the blonde to stay in her embrace. "And who knows," she whispered, her breath making the tiny hairs on the back of Emma's neck stand on end as her fingers curled into the fabric of Regina's shirt. "Maybe one day we'll find that fairytale romances are overrated, and that love isn't supposed to be perfect. Maybe… maybe it's just supposed to be human, and maybe that's exactly what we are."

Emma smiled.

Because maybe, just maybe… she already knew that Regina was right, and that there may be hope for them both after all.

 **THE END**


End file.
